Janine is always desperately looking for the next partner to secure herself. Where does her fear of loss come from?
Dear Ms Peirano,
I am 39, mother of a seven year old daughter and for years I have been looking for a new partner for life.
A couple of times I’ve had the feeling that I’ve found “him”, like now. I saw Manuel on Tinder eight weeks ago and there was an instant attraction. We had a good chat and I immediately found his presence very pleasant.
But after a relatively short time, the difficulties began. At a meeting he had to leave suddenly and without warning, which made me very insecure because I’m afraid of losing. I then told him that I’m not sure if we have a future because I felt really bad. He then reacted very uncertainly and didn’t get in touch for a few days and then called again and pretended that everything was fine. We then spent the next weekend together and it was very nice until just before the end where I got scared again that he didn’t have enough feelings for me after all. I became blocked and cold, even though I really only wanted to be hugged. We’ve talked about it, but it’s still a constant back-and-forth.
I’m afraid that sooner or later we will separate, it was the same with the previous acquaintances on Tinder. And I’m terrified of that because I don’t want to be without a partner.
So far I’ve had two long-term relationships (seven and four years) and have actually always gone from one relationship to the next. Sometimes I met another man during a relationship and then broke up. Or I signed up for Tinder again immediately after the breakup and quickly got to know someone again.
Now, with Manuel, I felt like I had arrived and I was very relieved. But I’m not at all sure right now if it’s going to hold up and that’s making me very uneasy and panicking. I can’t think of anything else, neglect my daughter and sleep poorly.
Do you have any recommendations for me on what I could do to make my relationships last better?
Best regards
Janine G
Dear Janine G,
When I read your letter, I asked myself: Who is this woman anyway? How does she see herself, what kind of relationship does she have with herself, what is important to her in life?
Do you sometimes feel like you can’t really grasp it? If you can’t do anything with my questions, I’ll break them down into smaller and more specific questions for you:
- What do you like about yourself? How do you keep yourself busy when you are alone?
Do you enjoy being alone and do you have activities or passions that you enjoy doing alone? How do you feel when you have a weekend all to yourself? Do you come to rest and enjoy it, or do you shower yourself with television, social media, cell phones, etc.? - What is meaningful in your life, primarily to yourself? Do you like your job or is it just a job? Do you play sports or do you like to move? Do you feel comfortable in your apartment or house?
- Which people with whom you are not in a relationship are important in your life? What is your relationship with your parents and siblings? How do you feel when you spend time together with your daughter and how would you describe the relationship with her?
Do you have good friends? What characterizes the friendships? And what do you talk about when you consistently avoid the topic of “dating and romantic relationships”? - What are your wishes and goals for your own life? What do you dream of for yourself that is independent of a partner? In which direction would you like to develop yourself? Here are a few examples: I want to be more calm and relaxed, so I practice yoga because it helps me.
Or: I’ve always dreamed of horseback riding/climbing/surfing and that’s why I’m on vacation at the horse farm/go to the climbing hall/have taken several surfing courses. - How good is your self-care, ie what do you do for yourself to feel good and have energy, to take care of your feelings (e.g. write in a diary)…
It’s not new wisdom that the most important relationship in our lives is with ourselves. But this sentence is the essence of all relationships we have. Anyone who recognizes and loves themselves can also find the right partner and find their way around the relationship better. In other words, if you don’t really know yourself (and don’t really love yourself) and then try to find a partner who loves you and does this job for you, it’s a hike in the thicket of emotions. As in a thicket, it is easy to get lost or be bitten by a wild animal…
I have accompanied many women in my therapies and love coaching who were not at peace with themselves, found it difficult to be alone and were constantly looking for confirmation from outside. Now, if I don’t mince my words, but speak bluntly about my observations and experiences, then I can say that these relationships never worked out.
One cause of relationship suffering or failure is that when you can’t be alone and therefore can’t wait for the best partner to come along, you often look for the next best (rather than the best) partner.
Be honest: What exactly do you like about Manuel as a person? What would you think and say about him if he wasn’t an option as a romantic partner, but “only” as a person? Imagine if he were a friend’s new partner and you had to be honest with her about what you think of him.
And what exactly is the special connection between you two? Do you have common interests? Or similar ideas about life (like both becoming more relaxed and practicing yoga together?). Would your girlfriends immediately understand why you chose THIS man out of about four billion men on this planet?
Or is the determining factor that he is there and shows interest in you and gives you closeness every now and then?
I’m afraid that’s not enough if that’s the case. It will not be enough for Manuel, because everyone would like to be loved for their own sake. And it won’t be enough for you, because saying “yes” to another person is sometimes uncomfortable and difficult, and you always have to know why you’re doing it. As a mother, you probably know this too: It is sometimes incredibly difficult to fulfill your role as a mother (e.g. getting up at night when you are dead tired or going to parents’ evening), but you succeed for your unique, wonderful child. But would you do that for any child? Hardly, at least not in the long term.
Write down why it really has to be Manuel and look honestly to see if that’s enough for you. The decision is entirely yours.
I would recommend that you first focus on the relationship with yourself, and this works best without a partner. In plain language: log out of Tinder for at least a year or two and confront yourself with taking care of yourself and making life beautiful.
Maybe with coaching or therapy, or the wonderful book:
“Rethinking love: On the trail of the secret of happy relationships” by Diane Hielscher
Her podcast is also recommended: “Head Over Heart” (Audible)
It is helpful to have companions. A mindfulness course (MBSR stands for Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) would be such an option, or a support group. There are many women who are like you!
Because of your life history, you have not yet been able to experience what it is like to be alone (ie without a partner). In the beginning this can be difficult. A young man decided to go on a pilgrimage tour alone and ran nervously for the first few days until he calmed down and then found himself more. It takes time to become a good friend!
I took an involuntary crash course on my own at the age of 22: as an intern in a small English town, badly paid and therefore constantly broke – and it was winter around me, my work was done at 1 p.m. and nobody in the dorm was on my wavelength. I thought it was terrible at the time, cried a lot and felt sorry for myself. But then I had to come to terms with the situation (and, for example, read a meter-high pile of English classics and taught myself Indian cooking).
Now, many years later, I think that experience was a great gift because it was the first step in making friends with myself. Now I love being alone. And that’s how it goes for many people: you have to learn to be alone (to love)!
I hope you can find joy in this view too!
Best regards
Juliet Peirano
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