Daniela is very sensitive – and that’s why her friends often appreciate her as a listener to discuss her problems. Too often, thinks Daniela. But how should she address that?
Dear Dr. Peirano,
I (f, 43) often have the feeling that friends and acquaintances see me as the listener and advisor. I am a nurse and also quite sensitive. The problems of others weigh on me, and because of the constant back pain I have got into the habit of taking good care of myself in my free time.
I go for a walk with my horse or the dog and I sew.
But my friends often contact me when they are having problems (break up, lovesickness, sick relatives …). I listen patiently and also give advice. Sometimes these conversations last for hours. When I have something on my own mind, these friends don’t take that much time for me. I don’t want to add that up either, but I can tell.
In the last few years I have made sure that my friends are also willing to listen to me and show consideration for me. I made a lot of friends through the horse who don’t talk about problems so much and that is very good for me.
I recently went away for a weekend with an old school friend. We wanted to have a good time (now that the hotels are open again after Corona), eat well, do wellness and “chatter” a bit. I was happy.
But then shortly after we see each other, the friend tells me that she is in the process of breaking up, and then it’s all about that. For hours. I listened, also a little in the hope that she could put it aside and distract herself with me. But then came again: just one more question. And another question. And what do you think about it
And again we were on the subject. Any attempt by me to talk about something else sooner or later ended up in their relationship again.
I then said on Sunday morning that I had a severe headache and drove home (we wanted to stay until Monday). I am very disappointed with it.
What am I doing wrong, that this happens to me again and again? Or should I understand more, after all, after ten years, she separates and the two have a child?
I would just like to be liked for who I am and not always be the caregiver. In my job I already hear enough problems.
Many greetings and thank you,
Daniela T.
Dear Daniela T.,
I do not think that you are obliged to listen to the concerns of all acquaintances and friends! You don’t need to feel guilty if you don’t want to or if you feel overwhelmed by it.
If someone listens to other people’s problems for a long time, consoles them and gives advice, it is a gift to the other person or a kind of friend service. And you can decide for yourself who you want to give this gift to and, if so, under what conditions.
In the case of practical assistance, the assistance is actually based on consideration: You help a friend with the move, so that he then also helps you with the move himself. And one would be justifiably disappointed if this friend didn’t help – at least for no good reason.
Failure to provide this consideration is breaking the unspoken agreement and the victim rightly feels exploited or betrayed.
What do you want to get for listening so patiently to others? Is it a deep wish of you to always have an open ear from friends when you have something on your mind?
What was it like in your childhood: was your mother or father always there for you when you had problems? Did you feel welcome even with your worries?
Or was it exactly the other way around: your parents – or one parent – always had problems and you tried to help and comfort as a child?
This is often the hidden reason why someone has a helper syndrome and takes on the role of the “carer”. Sometimes there is also a high level of empathy for people in need and the effort not to leave them as alone as you felt yourself as a child.
You have already realized that it is not good for you to hear too many problems. It is a good step that you prefer to meet up with friends to do nice things (horse riding, go for a walk …) rather than worrying about problems all the time.
How about if you clearly divide friends and acquaintances into certain categories (like with a club membership)? Gold might mean: This person can and is allowed to tell you about all your problems and I am happy to help. But if I have a problem, I can always call these people and they will help me.
Silver could mean: We know each other very well and like each other, but we only talk about problems from time to time. I expect these people not to discuss their pressing problems with me, and I also do not speak long or at length about my problems.
And bronze: You see each other every now and then and have a nice chat, but problems tend to be excluded.
In which category would you place your school friend with whom you were traveling?
And I think this is where the dog is buried. Probably the friend who is more bronze or silver acted like she was a gold friend. But since this assessment is one-sided – because your girlfriend does nothing for you and doesn’t respect your limits either – you feel exploited and run over.
Unfortunately, the friend does not have the sensitivity to correctly recognize the limits of friendship and to adhere to them. You’d probably have to bite the bullet and talk to your friend.
You could try the following sentences and see what suits you:
“You, that sounds like a very serious problem that you have there. I think you really need professional help to sort it out.”
Or: “You, we’ve already talked a lot about it, and I notice that it’s exhausting and stressing me. I’m not so good at talking about problems all the time, I get back pain / sleep disorders / headaches from it. I hit suggest that we stop addressing the issue and try to enjoy the weekend as planned. “
Or a bit more clearly: “I notice that a lot of people like to tell me their problems and pour out their hearts. But that’s not good for me, and I don’t always want to be the caregiver for everyone. I only tell my problems to my closest friends myself . “
I can imagine that it is strange to say something like that clearly. But for your self-esteem it would be good not to let yourself be exploited, but to stand up for yourself and your needs (if your girlfriend doesn’t already do it). Try out which sentence suits you and practice it in front of the mirror. Then it will be easier to set yourself apart in the next situation.
If uncomfortable feelings arise now: Take a look at what you are afraid of. Are you afraid of an argument? Or fear of not being liked anymore if you refuse? Or do you fear that if you fail to help a friend in need, you will be considered selfish?
It helps to write down these fears and question them. This, too, can have something to do with unfavorable programming from childhood: parents who only love you when you comfort them. Parents who call you selfish when you set yourself apart. Parents who leave you or punish you with withdrawal of love.
Try to be aware of these fears, but not let them guide you! Let yourself be guided by what is good for you and that is the desire to stop being used. Ultimately, it will increase your self-esteem, and that will make it even easier for you to stand by yourself.
Best regards,
Julia Peirano