The search for a suitable partner is more diverse today than ever before – but that doesn’t necessarily make it any easier. Lea doesn’t know exactly how to proceed either.
Dear Ms Peirano,
I’m 32 and single for two years. I would like to find a man in the foreseeable future and also have a family.
Finding a partner is very difficult, also because of Corona. In my work there are women or men who are much older or who are taken. So I don’t really know where to look at all.
So I want to search online, which I’ve shied away from before. What do you think of the individual dating platforms (Tinder/Elitepartner etc.)? Where is it worth looking for?
Many greetings,
Leah V
Dear Lea V,
I have already accompanied many women in their search for a partner and I am happy to pass on some of my experience and observations to you.
First of all, it is very important to think carefully about what kind of partner you are looking for. Please go Everyone Men in the extended circle of friends / in the family / among colleagues / among acquaintances / from television and series and analyze the men a little more closely. It’s not about finding your ideal partner, just finding out which one based on your cousin, for example properties a man should have who suits you. And also what would be absolutely out of the question for you.
A tip: Don’t look so much at the outside, but at the inner values.
And you are welcome to shed some light on the partners of these men. Who has a satisfied and happy partner, who doesn’t? Which characteristics of men do you think this is due to?
Once you have listed the qualities, it is best to consider in which professional environment or which leisure activity the type of man you are looking for can be found.
For example: a nature-loving athlete, perhaps while jogging in the forest/on hikes
A persistent thinker and problem solver may be found among engineers.
A creative man might be a photographer (amateur or professional) or ambitious when it comes to cooking.
And so forth.
I would give you one hybrid dating strategy recommend, i.e. online search and search in certain niches of everyday life in parallel. That relaxes. Because in everyday life you are more likely to find men who live nearby or with whom you have some points of contact (e.g. the same favorite café). The downside is that you can’t tell by looking at men that they’re single and looking for a partner, and the constant searching and keeping an eye out can be very tiring.
You can also use the online partner search to get in touch with men who are looking for a partner (or at least pretend to be) in the evenings and at weekends.
I would then recommend that you get an initial overview of the various online dating portals and look at the advantages and disadvantages. Tinder, for example, has the advantage of being fast and uncomplicated. Upload a photo, answer three questions, and off you go. You can theoretically have a date and sex on the same night.
In my experience, however, there is also a disadvantage here. A lot of people sign up for Tinder because they are on the lookout at the moment (e.g. bored, feeling lonely or having an argument with their partner). But it doesn’t necessarily have to be a serious search for a partner.
A summary: In my practice (this may look different elsewhere) no remotely serious or lasting relationship has developed from a Tinder date. In return, many women have been treated disrespectfully, have experienced ghosting and have experienced sexual harassment. Please also remember that no identity card has to be deposited, so that you can also come across fake profiles and not know who you are dealing with.
There are portals where you have to pay a monthly fee to be a member (e.g. Parship or Elitepartner). This is of course an investment and can also be difficult to terminate prematurely, but can also be seen as a sign of more serious interests and more effort when looking for a partner. With both of these portals, the searcher creates a profile and answers a personality test to determine who you are a good match for. Suggestions are made based on the matches.
In recent years I have accompanied a number of patients who have found a lasting relationship through Parship, for example. However, I must also say that some searches were unsuccessful – and these people then had the money down the drain.
Then there are various portals that are local (e.g. “in love in the north” refers to northern Germany) or are intended to bring certain interest groups together or, for example, “moms-dads-kids” as a platform for separated fathers and mothers).
Take a good look around and see what you like. Because in a place (virtual or real) that suits you, you are more likely to meet a partner who is on the same wavelength.
When it comes to online dating, however, you have to be aware of the dangers: In my practice, I have heard credible and first-hand rape scenarios from several women that happened in the context of online dating. Women have often felt pressured to have sex.
It is important to keep this danger in mind and to meet in public places such as cafés whenever possible for the first meetings. Particular caution is required for platforms in which the data of the participants is not stored. Only when enough trust has been built up should one go into intimate situations.
In real life, I would recommend looking for niches where you are more likely to find a man that suits you.
If you have realized that you are looking for an engineer, you could specifically approach this group. Here in Hamburg, for example, is Airbus (many, many engineers, and most of them male), and a friend offered a language tandem for German-French there. She met her husband there.
A good role model for the fact that you can be successful if you leave the beaten path and go your own original way.
You can also meet like-minded men in political parties or in voluntary work.
Basically, it makes a lot of sense to be where men are equal or even outnumbered (especially the type of man you’re looking for). Yoga or a goldsmith course are not a good choice, but rather a motorcycle club (if it suits you), a wine tasting or a kite surfing or climbing course. Take a look at what interests you have where you are most likely to meet men.
You can also approach men directly inconspicuously by asking them to be your conversation partner for an interview or offering them to take portrait photos, start a band…
You can ask all your friends if they can think of someone with your “profile” as a partner.
And most importantly: You can be active to a certain extent when looking for a partner, but you should never be dogged about it! Meeting the right partner is ultimately always a matter of luck!
Best regards,
Juliet Peirano