Marko is young, in a fresh relationship – and has a daughter with his ex-girlfriend. The fact that she now lives in Russia doesn’t make his situation any easier. How can he be a father to his daughter and still not offend the two women?
Hello Mrs. Peirano,
I find myself in a situation that has grown over my head. I’m 21, a student, and a father since February of this year. The child’s mother, Alexandra, is a Russian student (21) who I was with for eight months in 2019/2020. When we had separated and she was back in Moscow, she wrote to me that she was pregnant. All of this in the middle of lockdown. I could not do anything.
I didn’t know what to do, but I wrote her that I would help her with the child. I don’t know my own father, he left before I was born and didn’t care. I don’t want to repeat that.
I was in Moscow in May and met my daughter and helped Alexandra. However, I didn’t like the situation: she lives with her mother and aunt, the TV is on all the time, mother smokes in the apartment, dogs run around hectically, my daughter is almost never taken out into the fresh air.
And what is also very difficult: Alexandra does not accept that our relationship is over. She talks about coming to Germany, getting married (!!!) and raising the child together. I feel way too young to be in a committed relationship right now, and she’s not the right one either. We had little in common (other than physical attraction) – and we’d split up too. If it weren’t for our daughter, we would no longer have anything to do with each other.
And now it’s getting even more difficult: For some time now I’ve gotten closer to a school friend (Charlotte) of mine and we’ve been together since April. She studies in the same city as me, we do a lot and get on really well. It got really serious pretty quickly. However, Charlotte is overwhelmed by the fact that I am already a father, and she is suspicious of Alexandra. She thinks that Alexandra will come to Germany at some point and try to be with me again. Charlotte also found it very difficult when I was with Alexandra in Moscow because she was afraid that our relationship would not end after all.
It’s all over my head and I don’t know who can help me. Everyone is somehow too involved and has their own opinion.
I hope you can help me.
Best regards
Marko T.
Dear Marko T.,
When I read your request, I allowed myself a day (and a long walk) to think about it in peace. The situation is really complicated with so many people in dire need of you. Your daughter needs you as a father, as protection and antipole to the somewhat insensitive Russian relatives.
Alexandra became a mother at a very young age and thus became dependent on you and your own mother – and I can well imagine that she also needs a lot of help and support. She needs financial help and a fair division of childcare so that she can take care of her studies. Otherwise she has no good chances as a single mother without an education.
Charlotte would like to build a relationship with you, but feels threatened by Alexandra’s existence – which is understandable. The fear is sure to be fueled by the fact that there was (and maybe still is) a strong physical attraction between Alexandra and you. And it doesn’t make it easier that you and Alexandra met in a country far away without Charlotte even knowing Alexandra. That leaves a lot of space for fears and fantasies …
And you stand between all these demands. With the desire to be young and carefree. With your system of values that you want to be there for your daughter – which is difficult in a distance and probably also in your financial situation per se! And you have your own plans for your life: study, build a professional existence, try out relationships or live them with ease. Just like it is actually common for most 21-year-olds in our culture.
This is where the image of a tablecloth that is too small comes to mind: If you pull it to the left, the right half of the table peeps out. If you pull it to the right, the right side of the table is blank. No matter how you twist and pull it, it’s just not enough.
How about if you just imagine who pulls everything about you and wants something from you – and see how you feel about it? Do feelings of oppression and excessive demands arise? Do you get angry – if so: to whom and why? Or maybe you are under stress and want to start doing something right away? If yes, what? Just sense that and tell yourself, it’s okay to feel what you are feeling. Whatever it is (and there will probably be many more “complicated” mixed emotions in the next few years “).
Next, I would recommend that you set priorities. Since you grew up without a father, you are familiar with how it feels. How about if you talk to others – now grown-ups – who grew up without a father and try to work out what they have been missing most? Then look for people to talk to, whose parents were separated from an early age, but who were in contact with their father. How did you experience the contact? What may have screwed up the separated fathers? What was helpful?
I have heard similar stories in my practice, and from my point of view it was always good for the children if they were important to the father and if there were regular times together. On the other hand, the fathers who went into hiding, were unavailable or made the child feel unwelcome (for example because they had “new” children and a “new” wife) caused a great deal of pain.
First of all, get an idea for yourself and think about what you want to give your daughter reliably.
From my point of view, two factors are currently particularly complicated:
- The spatial separation that makes it difficult for you to bond with your daughter. Infants and toddlers build bonds through physical contact, playing together and taking care of them. They are not yet able to build up so-called object constancy, i.e. to know that someone also exists when they cannot be seen.
- Alexandra’s intentions to have a love affair with you – instead of accepting that you are in a parenting relationship with her.
Perhaps you could have discussions at the round table right from the start – even via video conference online – so that Alexandra not only knows about Charlotte’s existence, but also has to talk to her about the rules of the game of living together. Then you could set up a so-called task force – a working group in which your mother, other relatives, Alexandra’s mother and other friends who can help, may also be involved. They always say: “In order to raise a child, you need a village.” I find this sentence very true and in your situation in particular you can use all the support someone offers. Be it money, be it free time, be it practical help with studies or household chores.
So you could think through whether Alexandra could come to Germany, possibly study again, and how the two of you take turns looking after your daughter. Ideally, Alexandra and Charlotte also cooperate so that the fronts are clarified. Alexandra is the child’s mother, Charlotte is the new friend. And possibly Charlotte can or wants to be involved and go for a walk with your daughter or spend an evening with her.
It is complex for sure, but not impossible. Talk to each other openly and say what you can and cannot do. If everything does not work out now, hopefully there will be the opportunity to make contact with your daughter in a few years. It is very stressful for a child when the parents pull on him, argue over him or play it off against each other. But the older your daughter gets, the easier it can be to develop a father-daughter relationship independently of the mother.
Best regards
Julia Peirano