At 24, Ashok has not yet made a serious approach to women. But is it really because of his Indian roots, as he suspects?
Dear Ms Peirano,
I’m male, 24 years old, and still a virgin. I wanted to tackle the topic of dating, but it really doesn’t work out. I don’t get to know women in everyday life or work, there are only men. I don’t get any numbers when I call them. So I asked a friend for advice and he said that I should be happy with my life alone, be content with myself and see myself as a friend. This would give me a better charisma and then dating would work almost automatically.
That got me thinking, and I’ve noticed that I’m not always nice to myself, i.e. I don’t see myself as a friend, I repel myself physically and I’m not happy about it. To physically accept myself I can exercise, that shouldn’t be a problem, but how can I see myself as a friend? Unfortunately, I have low self-esteem.
When I was a child, I was often criticized by my parents, especially when it came to school. Somehow I think to myself that I don’t have a chance with women because nothing has ever happened.
I was born and raised in Germany, but my parents are from India. I have the feeling that most women in Germany like tall men, and especially southerners. A friend of mine is Italian and gets texted by women on Instagram, or approached by women in real life. That’s never happened to me, and I’ve had very few matches on online platforms.
This triggers anger and jealousy in me. I often think to myself that if my parents weren’t Indian but Spanish, my life would be a lot easier as far as women are concerned (since Spanish people are always super sexy for women), and I would have had an easier childhood, so I wouldn’t have had any self-esteem issues either.
My question is should I be happy on my own like my boyfriend said before trying dating?
How can I see myself as a friend? I’m not good with women and I think it’s because I’m Indian and women don’t find Indians attractive. I’ve never heard from a woman that she likes Indians, but always just “I get up
Southerners”. How can I accept myself, above all accept that I’m Indian, otherwise unfortunately every woman likes Southerners.
I hope you can help me.
Best regards
Ashok Z
Dear Ashok Z,
I always find it interesting, sometimes sad and often bizarre, what reasons people find why they supposedly cannot be successful.
Many people find fault with their own body, for example they find themselves or certain parts of their body too fat or other parts too small. This can result in eating disorders that seek to resolve self-esteem and interpersonal issues through harsh control and strict dietary restrictions. But the real problem, namely the self-esteem problem, is never solved by this.
They firmly believe in the belief: I can’t find a woman because women don’t like Indians.
In behavior therapy, we therapists question certain beliefs in order to relativize or change them. It’s a good thing that I have patients from all over the world, because I offer therapy in English and I’m also based in St. Pauli. There are also several Indians among my patients, and since I myself have lived in a purely Indian environment in Delhi for some time, I am somewhat familiar with the Indian mentality, including the search for a partner.
Here are some food for thought for you:
- My observation from my practice is that some of my Indian patients could hardly save themselves from romantic offers from European women. Part of the therapy was setting the right signals to avoid giving women false hope. How can you explain that when women supposedly don’t like Indian men?
- Of course, in every country there are very attractive people and less attractive people, but do you really believe that Spaniards are generally more desirable than Indians? Just google “attractive Indian actors” and see for yourself. (And for all readers who like to look at beautiful people, this is also an extremely pleasant task, purely for research purposes of course…)
- What does it do to you that you devalue an important part of your identity, namely your looks and your roots? How does that feel?
- What about Indian women in your world view? Have you also tried to approach Indian women? Traditionally shaped Indian women are often not only looking for an Indian partner, but if possible also for a partner with the same background (profession, religion, parents’ profession, region of origin). For some of my Indian patients it would be unthinkable to find a Western partner, also because their parents expect it. However, most Indian women are looking for a serious partnership and are not willing to go for casual dating or give their phone number to strangers on the street. Do you know the rules of the game? If not, maybe knowing the other side would help? And wouldn’t it also be an idea in the long term to also address women who have Indian roots and were born in Germany? They can probably empathize with your situation.
- Do you have to be very attractive to be successful with women? How about sitting in a café in a pedestrian zone for two hours and watching couples. You could then rate the man’s attractiveness (high, medium, low) and keep statistics on how many men from these groups have girlfriends or wives. What does it say if less attractive men have found partners?
When you have answered these questions and completed the exercise, it would be interesting to answer again how strongly you believe in your belief that Indian men are not attractive and that only attractive (preferably Mediterranean) men will find a partner.
I think your friend gave you a good answer when he said you should work on your self-esteem. If you really like yourself and are at peace with yourself, you will also be attractive to other people. And even the most physically attractive person can quickly rob you of your illusions if he or she is unhappy, mean, or moody (to name just a few examples).
You ask me how to be a good friend to yourself. Are you actually a good friend to other people or is there someone in your life that you are loving and appreciative of? This could also be a child, eg a sibling or a nephew. If there is someone like that in your life that you are loving towards, then you know what it means to be a good friend. That would be very valuable!
Please always imagine this loved one and observe how you deal with this person. How do you talk to your friend or nephew? How understanding do you have when the other has problems? How much encouragement do you muster to support one? How much time and loving attention do you devote to this person?
And that’s exactly what you would do to yourself. Every day and without exception. You envision a younger Ashok, the inner child, constantly by your side and responsible for you. They ensure that there is good food, enough sleep and rest breaks. And you advise the younger Ashok on how to make friends or look good on girls.
Would you tell him that he doesn’t stand a chance because he’s Indian and Indians are small and unattractive (unlike southerners)? You probably wouldn’t do that. Then please don’t do it to yourself either!!! Don’t tell him anything you wouldn’t say to your boyfriend or nephew!
You may also get support in dealing with your inner child in a caring and loving manner, e.g. as part of therapy or in online seminars. If you smile more often, are happier, and more relaxed, that’s a sign of progress.
And it’s probably a wise move on your boyfriend’s part to wait until you’re more connected with your inner child and happier before dating. Because otherwise it would be the task of the new partner to give you a lot of confirmation and love, and that would overwhelm the partner.
I hope that you can become better friends with yourself and explore with your inner child which woman you both like.
If the child is allowed to have a say, you will also make a better choice!
And the woman in question will probably then also feel that you are seriously interested in her and react more positively. Women usually react negatively when they have the impression that they are not meant, but that the man is primarily concerned with “success” (e.g. getting a telephone number or a date).
Kind regards and all the best to you,
Juliet Peirano