Long before her relationship with Vincent, Alina had sex with her friend Jeanette on and off. Now she just keeps going. Can this go well?
Dear Ms Peirano,
Lately I have often had strange dreams in which my boyfriend breaks up with me and I am accused publicly (eg on a stage or in court). At first I couldn’t do anything with it. But then I thought about it and I think the dreams are related to the fact that there are areas in my life that don’t really fit together.
I (27, from Cologne) have had a circle of friends in Berlin for years, in the artists’ scene. My best friend got me in there many years ago and when I’m in Berlin every three to four weeks I go to parties and meet people.
For a long time (six or seven years) I’ve always had something going on with Jeanette. She is a friend’s younger sister. In the beginning it was actually more of a trial and error, as it is with women. At that time I also slept with other women for a while.
Only at some point I stopped with other women, but not with Jeanette. Because when we see each other, there is a strong attraction between us. She is super attractive, knows how to move, is a great kisser and the sex is just great. Relaxed, familiar, erotic, warm, intimate, supple. Wonderful. It just fits 100 percent.
But it’s no more than that.
We don’t text each other, we don’t miss each other when we don’t see each other, and we don’t want to be in a relationship. Everyone in our Berlin circle of friends knows that, but it’s no big deal. There aren’t any permanent relationships, but more fleeting ones.
But I’ve been with a much older man (Vincent, 42) for over a year now, who is serious about me and offered me to move in with him. In July it’s time.
We get along really well, he’s very smart and inspires me. And with him I can discover the world in a completely different way, for example we went to the Venice Biennale together or to the Cannes Film Festival. And then we are more in an elegant hotel than in the campsite. It was strange to me at first, but now I enjoy it very much.
I love Vincent and I like our life too. But I also love my own life and the Berlin circle of friends. That’s not a problem for Vincent. He can separate them well and has never wanted to come with us before. But recently a friend of mine from Cologne was in Berlin with me, who also knows Vincent and me well, and she overheard me dancing with Jeanette and going to my room with her. And then she asked me what I was thinking and what Vincent would say if he knew.
And as strange as it sounds: I only realized what I was actually doing at that moment. Seen from the outside, it really is a kind of double life. But the way I feel, oddly enough, I don’t feel bad about it at all. Jeannette is Jeannette and Vincent is Vincent, each is in their own world and I have a separate relationship with each and neither takes anything away from the other.
Maybe I was afraid that Vincent would judge me if he knew I was dating a woman. He himself once reacted very intolerantly when it came to a gay film.
Now the big question is: Am I naïve because it just didn’t occur to me that my relationship with Jeanette could be a problem for Vincent?
Do I have to tell him something about this or can I just let it go like this? Or do I have to “end” it with Jeanette, even though it’s not a permanent relationship or an affair?
What do you advise me?
Best regards
Alina G
Dear Alina G,
it’s amazing how well you are able to separate the different worlds of your life. Many people have different facets that do not always have to go well together. Perhaps a more sober statistician lives out his passion by singing Italian operas. Or the bartender, who has to deal with the most dazzling people in the trendy bar until late at night, spends most of her free time lying on the sofa tending her balcony plants.
But with you the distance between the lifeworlds seems to be even greater, because it sounds as if you can almost internally erase one world while traveling in the other world!
If you are outside of Berlin, Jeannette is practically out of sight, out of mind. And when you’re in Berlin, Vincent and the world you live in with him will be blown away. Has it always been like this in your life? Or did you have to learn the separation of worlds in your childhood, for example through your parents’ divorce and a strict separation of “mum’s world” and “dad’s world”, in which one was not allowed to talk about the other?
It sounds like a strong split that you seem to be able to pull off with ease. And then you split off the feelings that belong to the living environment or special people, and as a result you don’t feel a part of yourself.
And it is only through this “dissociation” – that is, through splitting off – that you can forget what connects you with Vincent and what you may have agreed on with each other regarding external relations. Are there actually agreements with him, explicit or implicit, about loyalty? That’s settled with Jeanette.
How would you actually find it if Vincent had sex with another person or maybe several other people without much thought?
Would you accept it if he told you that it doesn’t mean anything because he has known this person for years and has had casual sex with them on and off? And that he doesn’t take anything away from you?
If you could live with the fact that everyone goes their own way sexually and erotically (but that one shouldn’t talk about it), you could also discuss it with Vincent. How do you feel imagining having this conversation with him? Would he be okay with that or would it be the end of the relationship for him? For some couples, opening up the relationship is a solution.
Fidelity – or sexual exclusivity – is something most people have a somewhat ambivalent relationship with. Most would like to take sexual liberties with themselves and, given the right opportunity, have sex with others without a guilty conscience. The problem is that those same people would be outraged and indignant if their partner dared (or even liked to) do the same!
And because of these double standards, many couples agree to abstain from having sex with others themselves so that they don’t have to put up with your partner’s acting out in other ways. So it’s actually a deal: I’m giving you something because I want you to give me that too.
How do you feel about not following any rules yourself? You seem to get a lot from Vincent in the relationship, but ignore the fact that you also have to give something in return. How would you like it if it were the other way around? Or what would you think of a friend who does the same in their relationship?
Are you also someone in other areas of life who does not keep to agreements (e.g. not paying debts, not keeping promises, not completing tasks…)? And what do you expect from other people, especially your partner, in terms of reliability?
If there are double standards: How do you argue for yourself and do you find this argument fair and conclusive?
If you notice that you feel constrained by some rules overall (exclusivity, for example), I would advise you to renegotiate. Luckily we live in the 21st century and relationships are a matter of negotiation. No woman has to clean and cook or have children, no man has to support the family alone, and you don’t have to get married or move in together. And you don’t have to be faithful. Many couples live in an open relationship and have chosen that.
The only thing I find important is honesty. A couple should talk honestly about expectations and agreements with each other and also keep the agreements. This is the only way to create trust.
And here it is your turn. If you would like more personal space and, on the other hand, would like to give Vincent, you should discuss this with him.
If he doesn’t agree with that, you still have several options: either you drop the flirtation with Jeanette and stick to the rules of the game.
Or you can break up with Vincent and continue doing what you feel like doing.
Or you secretly carry on as usual. That alone means you must continue to disengage feelings, and the dreams you are talking about are an indication that this is unconsciously stressing you out. There is also the danger that one day your “double life” will be exposed. The consequences would be Vincent experiencing a painful betrayal of trust and likely breaking up with you as well. Do you think you want to do this to him? In my practice, I have experienced that most people are not aware beforehand of the damage caused by an infidelity.
And whether Vincent finds out or not, remember this: You can’t cheat and lie to the most important person in your life, which is yourself.
Best regards
Juliet Peirano