J. Peirano: I have a partner and sleep with a friend. Is this a problem?

Dear Ms. Peirano,

Lately I’ve often had strange dreams in which my boyfriend breaks up with me and I’m publicly accused (e.g. on a stage or in court). At first I couldn’t do anything with it. But then I thought about it and I think that the dreams are related to the fact that there are areas in my life that don’t really fit together.

I (27, from Cologne) have had a circle of friends in the artist scene in Berlin for years. My best friend brought me there many years ago and when I’m in Berlin every three to four weeks I go to parties and meet people.

For a long time (six or seven years) I’ve had something going on with Jeanette. She is the younger sister of a friend. In the beginning it was actually more of a trial and error, as is the case with women. Back then I also slept with other women for a while.

Only at some point I stopped with other women, but not with Jeanette. Because when we see each other, there is a strong attraction between us. She is super attractive, knows how to move, kisses great and the sex is just great. Relaxed, familiar, erotic, warm, intimate, supple. Wonderful. It just fits 100 percent.

But it’s nothing more than that.

We don’t write to each other, we don’t miss each other when we don’t see each other, and we don’t want to be in a relationship with each other. Everyone in our Berlin circle of friends knows this, but it’s not a big deal. There are no permanent relationships, but rather fleeting ones.

But I’ve been dating a much older man (Vincent, 42) for over a year now, who is serious about me and has offered me to move in with him. The time has come in July.

We get along really well, he is very smart and inspires me. And with him I can discover the world in a completely different way, for example we went to the Venice Biennale together or to the Cannes Film Festival. And then we are in an elegant hotel rather than at the campsite. It was strange to me at first, but now I really enjoy it.

I love Vincent and I like our life too. But I also love my own life and my circle of friends in Berlin. That’s not a problem for Vincent. He can separate things well and has never wanted to come with us. But recently a friend of mine from Cologne was in Berlin with me, who also knows Vincent and me well, and she saw me dancing with Jeanette and going to her room. And then she asked me what I was thinking and what Vincent would say if he knew that.

And as strange as it sounds, it was only then that I realized what I was actually doing. From the outside, it really is a kind of double life. But the way I feel about it, strangely enough, I don’t feel bad about it at all. Jeannette is Jeannette, and Vincent is Vincent, everyone is in their own world, and I have my own relationship with both of them and neither takes anything away from the other.

Maybe I was afraid that Vincent would judge me if he knew I had something with a woman. He once reacted very intolerantly when it came to a gay film.

Now the big question is: Am I naive because it simply didn’t occur to me that my relationship with Jeanette could be a problem for Vincent?

Do I have to tell him about this or can I just let it continue? Or do I have to “end” things with Jeanette even though it’s not a committed relationship or an affair?

What do you advise me?

Best regards
Alina G.

Dear Alina G.,

It’s remarkable how much you are able to separate the different worlds in your life. Many people have different facets that don’t always fit well together. Perhaps a more sober statistician lives out his passion by singing Italian operas. Or the bartender, who has to deal with the most colorful people in the trendy bar until late at night, spends most of her free time lying on the sofa and tending to her balcony plants.

But in your case the distance between the worlds seems to be even greater, because it sounds as if you can almost wipe out one world internally when you are traveling in the other world!

If you’re outside of Berlin, Jeannette is basically out of sight, out of mind. And when you are in Berlin, Vincent and the world in which you live with him is blown away. Has it always been like this in your life? Or did you have to learn to separate the worlds in your childhood, for example through your parents’ divorce and a strict separation of “mom’s world” and “dad’s world” in which you weren’t allowed to talk about each other?

It sounds like a strong split that you seem to be able to accomplish effortlessly. And you also split off the feelings that belong to the life worlds or special people and as a result you don’t feel a part of yourself.

And only through this “dissociation” – i.e. through splitting off – can you forget what connects you with Vincent and what you may have agreed to with each other regarding external relations. Are there any agreements with him, either explicit or implicit, about loyalty? That’s sorted out with Jeanette.
How would you actually feel if Vincent had sex with another person, or perhaps several other people, without much thought?

Would you accept it if he told you that it doesn’t mean anything because he’s known this person for years and has had casual sex with her over and over again? And that he doesn’t take anything away from you?

If you could live with the fact that everyone goes their own way sexually and erotically (but that it shouldn’t be discussed), you could also discuss this with Vincent. How do you feel when you imagine having this conversation with him? Would he be okay with that or would it be the end of the relationship for him? For some couples, opening up the relationship is a solution.

Fidelity – or sexual exclusivity – is something that most people have a somewhat ambivalent relationship with. Most people would like to take sexual freedom for themselves and, when the opportunity arises, have sex with other people without feeling guilty. The problem is that these same people would be outraged and indignant if their partner did the same thing (or even just wanted to do it)!

And because of these double standards, many couples agree to abstain from having sex with others so that they don’t have to endure the fact that their partner is also acting out in other ways. So it’s actually a deal: I’m giving you something because I want you to give it to me too.

How do you feel about not following any rules yourself? You seem to get a lot from Vincent in the relationship, but ignore the fact that you have to give something in return. How would you like it if it were the other way around? Or what would you think about a friend who does the same thing in her relationship?
Are you also someone who doesn’t stick to agreements in other areas of your life (e.g. not paying debts, not keeping promises, not completing tasks…)? And what do you expect from other people, especially your partner, in terms of reliability?

If there are double standards, how do you argue this for yourself and do you find this argument fair and coherent?

If you notice that you feel constrained by some rules overall (e.g. exclusivity), I would advise you to renegotiate. Luckily, we live in the 21st century and relationships are negotiable. No woman necessarily has to clean and cook or have children, no man necessarily has to support the family alone, and you don’t have to get married or move in together either. And you don’t necessarily have to be loyal. Many couples live in an open relationship and have chosen it that way.
The only thing I think is important is honesty. A couple should have an honest conversation about expectations and agreements and stick to the agreements. This is the only way to create trust.

And this is your turn. If you would like to have more personal space and would also like to give it to Vincent, you should discuss this with him.

If he doesn’t agree to this, you still have several options: Either you stop flirting with Jeanette and stick to the rules of the game.

Or you can break up with Vincent and continue doing whatever you feel like.

Or you can secretly carry on as usual. That just means you have to continue to compartmentalize feelings, and the dreams you’re talking about are an indication that this is subconsciously putting you under stress. There is also the risk that your “double life” will one day be exposed. The consequences would be that Vincent would experience a painful breach of trust and probably break up with you as well. Do you think you want to do that to him? In my practice, I have found that most people are not aware of the damage that an affair can cause.

And whether Vincent finds out or not, remember one thing: you can’t cheat and lie to the most important person in your life: yourself.

Best regards

Julia Peirano