Even when Irina and her husband got together, there was no spark in bed. Over time, the lack of attraction on their part became more and more evident. Now she faces the big question: separation or sex with others?
Hello mrs dr. Julia Peirano,
In 2015 I got together with my current husband (married since 2018). Our sex was rather mixed from the start. On the one hand this may be due to the fact that my husband had almost no experience with other women, but maybe also that our sexual chemistry does not go together …
Is there such a thing?
Briefly about our history and the current status:
When we got to know each other and started going out and of course ended up in bed at some point, I thought to myself: “Yes, ok .. the sex is not breathtaking now … but everything else fits.” We got on very well, have a lot in common, the same sense of humor (which is still the case today).
But our sex life fell asleep very quickly. I just didn’t feel like sleeping with him. He didn’t turn me on, for a word. And I thought: “Well, that will come at some point, otherwise the relationship is very harmonious and beautiful.”
But it didn’t come. And since 2017 we have been heavy petting (if at all) and only three times a year. It’s not because he doesn’t want to. I just don’t feel like him. I feel like having sex – but not with him. And after weeks of reflection and a valley of tears, I have to admit to myself that I cannot continue this marriage like this.
I discussed all of this openly and honestly with my husband. He thinks I should go to a psychologist or sex therapist and then the rest will come by itself.
I’m on the verge that if the “right one” pokes me a bit, do it with him and I don’t want to, because it’s just not fair to my husband. I honestly told him that too, because he deserves the truth (even if it’s not beautiful).
Can attraction and lust for one another arise that has not been there for years or has never really been there from my side?
At the time, I may have considered it unimportant, or perhaps wrongly rated it.
I was prescribed hormone creams by my gynecologist, did relaxation exercises and even watched porn before my husband went to bed to get pleasure. As soon as we start … nothing works.
And he doesn’t want that anymore and neither do I.
I ask for your assessment.
Thank you and greetings
Irina F.
Dear Irina F.,
thank you for your trust! At one point I was wondering about your formulation, when you wrote, “Is there such a thing?” Here I can only encourage you to trust your own feelings and sensations. If you feel that the sexual attraction between the two of you is wrong, then there IS.
And since you write that you feel pleasure, but not on your husband, hormone creams and similar measures do not seem to promise real success.
On the other hand, I find your approach of speaking openly with your husband about the problem very good and honest – even if it was definitely painful for both of you to speak out.
Would you be relieved if someone encouraged you to trust your perception (that you find your man erotically unattractive) and tell you not to push it any further? That sounds to me like that’s exactly what you need. But you would have to allow yourself that! Nobody can take responsibility.
Eroticism cannot be induced or achieved through therapy, even if advisors suggest the exact opposite. There are many reasons why you might find someone attractive and someone else not. Chemical processes such as the sense of smell (which provides information about the compatibility of the immune system) and personal unconscious preferences also play a role here. The fact is: who we desire cannot be influenced by our heads and conjured up through conversations about partnership with one another.
By the way, there are many couples who are at this point and have to ask themselves: what do we do now? From my point of view there are two options:
A) They split up – possibly with the option of remaining friends. Because the friendship seems to work well between you. And then you look for a partner with whom it works on both the amicable level and the erotic level.
B) You admit to yourself that at least on the sexual level you cannot come to a common denominator and you open up the relationship. That will certainly not be possible overnight. Experience has shown that couples who choose to have an open relationship take a longer time (often years) to do so.
You could read up on the subject once. I recommend the book to you: “Loyalty is not a solution either. A plea for more freedom in love” by Holger Lendt and Lisa Fischbach.
There are several ways to have an open relationship. Some couples talk openly about the other partner, sometimes it is agreed that the partner’s consent is obtained beforehand. I know couples in which both introduce themselves to their respective sexual partners and even threesome friendships arise. Other couples follow the rule of keeping external relationships as discreet and non-binding as possible. According to the motto: Sex is allowed, but it should not turn into a parallel relationship.
I would recommend that you at least apply the topic thoroughly and also ask yourself what you actually want. Would you like to fall in love with skin and hair and be with this person, or do you just want to have good sex with someone every now and then – and still be with your husband?
In any case, it is highly recommended that you clarify this issue together BEFORE something happens (or someone pokes you as you write). Because in retrospect, the injuries are great and the relationship often cannot be repaired.
Best regards
Julia Peirano
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