For many years, self-employment and family were wonderfully compatible for Henning – despite long working hours. But as the children grow up, it becomes a strain on his marriage. How can he and his wife resolve their conflict?
Good day Mrs. Dr. Peirano,
Ever since our kids left home, my wife and I have been having problems. I’m 55 and have my own consulting firm, which requires and always has required a great deal of time and attention. My son (30) joined me after studying business administration.
My wife takes a very critical view of the fact that I enjoy working a lot (about 50 hours a week). She stayed at home with the children and was a thoroughbred mother and housewife, with dogs, a large garden and everything that goes with it. When the children moved out (son 2014, daughter 2016), the dog died shortly afterwards and we moved into an apartment, she never found a real job for herself again. I suggested that she do sports, learn an instrument or hang out with her friends more. But when she can’t do anything for others, she finds it difficult to motivate herself.
Now my wife complains constantly and loudly that I drive to work. Every business trip is a thorn in her side or she demands that she can come along and would then like to stay in a good hotel and go on city trips with me. When I go golfing after work, she complains that I never have time for her.
She’s constantly handing me vacation brochures, urging me to book trips, and reminding me of friends who are in early retirement and spend a lot of time together.
To be honest, I don’t want to change anything in my life. I’m absorbed in my company, I’m happy when I still have some time to play golf, and three or at most four weeks of vacation a year is more than enough. What bothers me the most is that my wife and I are not as good a team as we used to be, but that there are always arguments at home and I get nervous if I stay in the office longer. I lack their understanding and somewhere also the appreciation for the standard of living that I have created for us.
By the way, my wife categorically rejects couples therapy.
Do you see any other options?
Many greetings
henning b
Dear Henning B,
Maintaining a fulfilling relationship that lasts for decades poses major challenges for most couples. Especially when a couple has children, they typically go through very different phases, each of which places very different demands on you.
They both apparently met in their early to mid 20’s. It was probably first of all about erotic and human attraction, building a trusting relationship, good conversations, exciting activities, agreeing on plans for the future and building up an economic existence.
Then you had children in your mid-20s and opted for the traditional division of roles. Her wife stayed at home with the children and took care of the whole family and the upbringing of the children, a nice home with a large garden and the dogs. That means she spent much of her time catering to her family’s needs and doing a lot of work that couldn’t necessarily have been planned. Who knows when a child has a cough and has to go to the doctor spontaneously, or when another child has just brought home a bad German test and you have to work an extra shift to look after your homework?
Your wife seems to be very good at doing what’s on her mind and putting her own long-term plans on hold.
To shed light on the situation, this book would be interesting for both of you:
Iris Radisch: “The School of women: How we reinvent the family”
You, on the other hand, probably did a lot of strategic and long-term thinking in the same phase of life in order to build up the company, feed your family and make the best possible use of the little time you had with your family.
So you and your wife each had their own area of responsibility, but all pulled together. The deeper meaning for both of you was the well-being of the family, to which each of you contributed something completely different: you the money, and your wife the care work.
Then came the next phase, in which the children became more and more independent and then left the parental home. In the traditional distribution of roles, not so much changes for the man as an employed person. He keeps working.
However, a lot changes for the housewife and mother if she has not prepared for this phase in good time. She loses the center of her life, almost the meaning of her existence, which for decades consisted of taking care of everyone. Now she suddenly lives alone, the house is empty, the dog is dead, and she can do whatever she wants and organize her own day.
However, it is important to understand that the women who see the point in caring (and do not feel disturbed by having to care as much in their work or their own interests as many other women do) are in this phase of the “empty nest ” into a kind of idling, often even depression. After all those years of worrying, caring, turning around, caring, it often feels like a burden to have so much time just for yourself.
Your wife is now addressing the feelings of inner emptiness to you and blaming you to some extent for it. To put it bluntly, the message is: “I took care of you and our children for so many years so that everyone was fine. And now everyone is leaving me alone. You have the job, I have nothing.”
I think it’s very important to really understand this crisis of meaning. A few hobbies or pastimes such as massage, hairdressing, etc. probably won’t help your wife. She needs a new task, a new purpose in life. And it is precisely her ability to give up herself that is now her undoing, because she needs structure, motivation and some strategy to look for a new fulfilling task.
Perhaps your wife can think about taking on a volunteer role that suits her on her own. She can continue to take care of other people and help them, she likes that. Some people are trained to be (telephone) pastors, others are involved with children or the elderly.
There is even a counseling center that supports you in finding the right volunteer position https://www.ehrenamtssuche.de/
However, I also recommend that you both reschedule your free time (weekends, evenings and holidays). I have the impression that your wife is speaking so loud and clear because she feels that she is not being heard. You might both be able to create a priority list to see which activities together are most important to both of you.
For example: a mandatory, extensive breakfast together on Sunday
One evening a week is couples’ evening, which is planned beforehand (dinner with friends, cinema, bike ride…). Possibly a new common hobby (e.g. dancing, sailing) or a common place (favourite hotel in the surrounding area/holiday home) can provide more connection and support.
I hope that you can implement some of these suggestions to help you and your wife have a comfortable time when the children are out of the house but you are not yet retired. It’s always about finding a balance together and taking all interests into account, and then peace is often restored.
Best regards
Juliet Peirano
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