J. Peirano: A friend is playing games with my feelings and won’t pay me back the money I borrowed

J. Peirano: The Secret Code of Love
A friend plays with my feelings – and does not pay me back the money I borrowed

Dear Ms Peirano,

I (42) recently fell in deep at the deep end when I confessed my love to my crush and he only sees me as a good friend. Well, that happens, even if it hurts, of course. Especially since very clear signals came from him, which was also confirmed in the circle of friends. But I’m a stand-up man and look forward.

Since he still owes me money, I have already asked him several times via WhatsApp to transfer the money to me. The messages were polite but firm. However, he completely ignores my messages. Friendship ends with money, of course. What can I do to get my money? That’s important to me, it’s not just about the money, it’s also about closing this chapter peacefully (I wrote that to him too).

I know that he (35) has only had a few short relationships, unlike me (longest relationship over 20 years). Nevertheless, a 35-year-old can be expected to behave correctly.

Many greetings,

Ulrike T.

Dear Ulrike T,

it strikes me as if said man quite enjoys playing games that aren’t shared games but are only good for him. I get it because it seems he was flirting with you even though he didn’t want anything else from you – and even though you had feelings for him.

There’s nothing wrong with flirting, but it should be fun for both of you, and both should understand that it’s just a gimmick and nothing more. A bit of the Italian way of life, where everyone jokes and flirts with everyone without it having any meaning. But in my view it’s unfair to flirt with someone who is seriously in love and has high hopes.

It is even more difficult that he is also unfair and selfish when it comes to money. He just ignores your messages instead of talking to you about when and how to pay you back. What was agreed? I can imagine that you feel exploited by him, that he used your feelings for him to gain an advantage.

So that you can stabilize your damaged self-esteem again, I would also recommend that you be very clear and precise when it comes to paying off the debt (and then probably breaking off the contact – since he doesn’t behave like a friend). It would be good for your self-esteem if you stood up and stood up for your own interests, and if you did it all.

I’m assuming you don’t have a written agreement about the money owed. This is always recommended for larger amounts, but probably too late here. So unfortunately you have no legal recourse against him. However, emotional or social pressure often helps. Think carefully about who in your (apparently common) circle of friends or in your “friend’s” social environment has a certain influence on him. Either the parents, or the boss, or people he’s trying to impress.

You could escalate the situation and ask your “friend” how he would feel if you told his parents/boss/all friends about his reaction to the debt and gave him an ultimatum. Or you can skip this step if it has already become too much for you and go straight to his parents/his boss/all his friends. Listen to your own need for revenge. Sometimes that’s healthy, too, after you’ve been teased!

An acquaintance of mine has already successfully collected many unpaid bills in this way: once she called the debtor’s office and told them about the debt, once she visited the mother of a customer in a retirement home (where he was allegedly registered) and once she threatened in order to talk about the debts in the posh circles in which a supposedly wealthy (but de facto bankrupt) woman moved. In all three cases, she had the money in her account within days, and she feels she can fight back.

That’s probably the more important point than the money: showing yourself that you can set limits and that you can’t just take them for a fool.

And more caution in the future would certainly be appropriate, if I may say so.

Best regards,

Juliet Peirano