“In 2016, I lost a child. I was at work that day. I went to see my manager to tell him that I was leaving. I was in tears. His first reaction was: “Take 3/4 days, it will change your mind. And come back to work”, says James, who responded to our call for witnesses. To his immense pain was therefore added the indelicacy of his employer. A reaction that does not seem uncommon, according to investigation* of the Research Center for the study and observation of living conditions (Crédoc) for the Empreintes association. According to this, one out of two employees has already been confronted with the loss of a loved one, and in 8 out of 10 cases, management support was deemed “inappropriate, useless or non-existent”.
Hence the guide “Mourning at work: how to accompany it”, for the attention of business leaders and HRDs, that the Empreintes association presents this Thursday to the Ministry of Health. “In the majority of companies, we do not anticipate these situations. As if misfortune was contagious. This is also the case in SMEs, where the boss is also the HRD and runs after time, ”notes Marie Tournigand, general delegate of Empreintes. However, companies would have every reason to worry about it. Because according to the Crédoc study, a bereaved employee has an average of 34 days off work per year. And 11% of employees who have experienced this tragedy end up leaving their jobs. The guide recommends in particular the establishment of a bereavement committee in the company, with referents on the subject, or the organization of an appointment to anticipate the conditions of the employee’s return…
The return sometimes too fast
As soon as the death is announced, companies sin by not realizing that a bereaved employee will need time to get through this ordeal. Because if the employee who loses a loved one is entitled to a few days off *, this period of time is often not sufficient: “The temporality of mourning is different depending on the case. It depends on the circumstances of the death, the nature of the link with the missing person, the moment in our life when it occurs. Some employees will be in awe. They will already spend a week organizing the funeral, not counting the other administrative formalities. They will then need psychic time to get through this ordeal, ”says Marie Tournigand.
Those who are forced to return to work shortly after the tragedy often experience it badly. Like Martine, who was back in business just four days after her brother’s suicide: “I had a lot of trouble resuming my activity,” she confides modestly. Cécile lost her mother at the start of her vacation and returned to work after a fortnight. Much too soon, according to her: “I went back to work on another planet, in indifference, nobody knew. I was crying in secret, my mind was elsewhere, ineffectual, tired, irritable. ” As for Marie, a reader, she had to fight to be able to be absent for the death of her mother: “When I announced to my boss that I was going to be absent, he asked me how long , because it disrupted the schedule. When I said I was taking a week, he reminded me that absences for a death were 3 days. I had to argue explaining the length of my trip from Marseille to Brittany. »
Adapt to the wishes of the employee
Conversely, some grieving employees need to quickly return to work: “It’s vital for them, and it allows them not to think too much,” emphasizes Marie Tournigand. What Cathy testifies: “The fact of going to work after the death of my father allowed me to have less gloomy thoughts. Ditto for Joëlle, who returned to work immediately after the death of her husband: “The work saved me, even if the grief was still there. I received a lot of support, not necessarily with words, but with a compassionate, friendly, comforting silent presence. I managed to stay focused on my work”.
Hence the importance for the company of adapting to the needs of the employee, according to Marie Tournigand: “Before his return, he must be asked if he wishes to take additional days off, work part-time, telecommute or , on the contrary, return to work under the same conditions”, she underlines.
Professional requirements to review?
Some managers also do not seem to understand that once back in the company, the bereaved employee can idle for some time: “The loss of a loved one generates vulnerability, fatigue and difficulty concentrating… The report in the world is changing”, summarizes Marie Tournigand. When she returned to work, Marie’s managers acted as if nothing had happened: “I had a week’s work late on my desk and a schedule that had filled up. “Jean-Sébastien, who lost a baby when his wife was 6 months pregnant, was not entitled to any gesture either: “No discharge from activity and, on the contrary, I was asked for even more” .
In the end, James was absent for 5 months. And on his return, he received no attention either: “The day I returned, there was a big meeting with a lot of people. My manager didn’t understand why I didn’t want to go. And while I had resumed part-time, my workload was not reduced. I was very disturbed and had a lot of trouble doing my work normally. But I will always remember that moment when I was told to work to forget… Honestly, how can I forget? »
“It is estimated that it will take two years to be able to rebuild”
Céline, who lost her mother in 2021, also did not find much kindness when she returned to the insurance company where she works: “You have to do your job as before…. We feel out of step, more in phase, in slow motion. The brain captures customer requests less and they no longer really make sense. And that, my employer had not understood: I stopped 2 months later, and it was then that he became aware of my condition, ”she says.
Here again, Marie Tournigand believes that the company must adapt: “Some employees will not want to be spared, will need that we have the same requirements towards them as before. Others will need a long time for the emotions to subside. It is estimated that it will take two years to be able to rebuild, ”she specifies. The guide of his association therefore recommends an interview after the year of mourning to take stock…