For four years, Célia has lived with an intense fear that never leaves her: that of sexually assaulting her little goddaughter. From morning to night, this 35-year-old woman is assailed by disturbing thoughts convincing her that she is going to do the unthinkable. “I was like ‘you’re weird, you’re hypertactile with her and you always look at her panties when she’s in a dress.’ I was convinced that I was a pedophile. His family vacation turns into a nightmare. “I was happy to go to bed to finally not suffer these thoughts anymore. It had become unlivable. “Except that the thirty-year-old is not at all a pedophile. She suffers from impulse phobia. An unrecognized psychiatric pathology.
Impulse phobia is a mental illness from the family of obsessive compulsive disorders (OCD). It is characterized by obsessions, that is to say intrusive, annoying and very unpleasant thoughts, generating strong anxiety. “It’s the fear of thoughts that we believe to be true, plausible and possible, summarizes Cédric Daudon, cognitive psychologistvisit. Fear of losing self-control. The concerns are multiple: fear of letting go of your baby, of running over a pedestrian in the car, of hurting yourself or insulting someone, or even killing them. “It’s often linked to what is most important to us, like a young mother who is afraid of hurting her child,” explains the psychologist. It always concerns a wrongdoing, even an irreversible one. A third of OCD sufferers have impulse phobias, just under 1% of the population. 600,000 French therefore, all the same.
Neither delusional elements nor repressed impulses
Celia’s ordeal did not begin with her incestuous fear. At 20, the young woman was convinced she had AIDS. It lasted a year and a half. In her thirties, she was certain that she was going to cheat on her companion, although she had no desire to. “I was stressed, anxious. I was crying all the time. I couldn’t sleep anymore. I thought I was a bad person. Shortly after, a new impulse phobia disturbs her thoughts: Célia is afraid of committing suicide. Always without having the slightest desire.
As you will have understood, impulse phobias are very different from the fleeting thoughts that cross us all after having suffered a fishtail in the car, a salacious remark in the middle of the street, or faced with a child who has been screaming for hours. . Usually these thoughts go away after a few minutes. But if they become too overwhelming and disabling, causing us pain and doubting ourselves and our ability to control ourselves, it may be an impulse phobia.
“These are egodystonic obsessions, that is to say that these thoughts are the opposite of the person’s values”, underlines David Masson, psychiatrist at the Nancy Psychotherapeutic Center and departmental head of the University Center for Remediation cognitive and recovery of the Great East. People with these types of thoughts are grounded in reality but confident that they can act on it. And that terrifies them. “These are neither delusional elements, nor repressed impulses, nor signs of perversity”, makes a point of specifying the psychiatrist.
Avoidance, reinforcer of thought
Since then, Célia has been careful how she carries her goddaughter, to be sure not to touch her in the wrong place. And it can go further. A patient of Doctor Masson having the same type of phobia towards his daughter decided not to be alone with her anymore. Another by Cédric Daudon, constantly afraid of committing suicide, ended up moving to the ground floor, for fear of getting out of a window. This is called avoidance behavior.
The problem: This same avoidance is a thought reinforcer. “We say to ourselves that nothing happened because we were not exposed to the situation that poses the problem, analyzes the psychiatrist. So we will continue to avoid this situation”.
The difficulty of talking about it
And it is not easy to talk about it. “Some patients beat around the bush for a long time before telling me that they have these thoughts”, testifies the psychologist. Célia decided to tell her family and her closest friends about it. “I warned my parents and my sisters, telling me that if they saw anything bad, they would report me,” she confides, her voice trembling. At worst, I’ll go to jail, but at least it’ll save my goddaughter’s life. »
Her sister didn’t really believe her. “She told me ‘it’s nonsense’. At the same time, it is reassuring. It means she knows I wouldn’t be able to hurt her daughter. Because talking about it (to understanding and caring people) is good. Her best friend, who has learned about this pathology, helps her to play it down. When Célia is in crisis, she sends him voice messages to assure him “no, you’re not going to do it”. “It reassures me a lot. »
“Absolutely no action”
If anything else can reassure Célia, it’s the absence of risk. “There is absolutely no passage to the act, recalls David Masson. People with impulse phobia are not at risk of losing control since they are constantly in hypercontrol. »
After four years of psychotherapy and taking antidepressants, Célia is “10,000 times better”. Some of these impulse phobias, such as suicide, have completely disappeared. “I manage to say to myself ‘you know it’s an OCD'”. Regarding these incestuous thoughts, she feels a little more peaceful but it remains “an everyday battle”.