When she saw the terrible war pictures from Ukraine on television, Miriam Pauler, mother of four, knew she wanted to help, but not with the “hundredth bag of clothes”. Instead, she and her husband decide in February that they want to take in a Ukrainian refugee family. They have space in their house with a garden in Unterweilbach. Just a few days later, in early March, the three people from Ukraine arrive at the Paulers’ home, a mother, her 16-year-old daughter and her 11-year-old son. But over the next few weeks, there will always be “everyday situations where things have collided,” says Miriam Pauler.
After around two months, the Paulers therefore decide to give up their job as a hostel family again: “But we didn’t part badly, we’re still in contact, meet up for coffee or I’ll take them shopping with me.” The Ukrainian family now lives in collective accommodation in Hebertshausen.
Miriam Pauler is sitting under the patio awning, her children are scurrying around her, five-year-old Lukas and seven-year-old Simon are jumping around on the lawn. 16-year-old Marcel Pauler is sitting next to his mother in a garden chair. When asked about the time spent with the Ukrainian refugees, he says: “The most annoying thing was actually that they were still on the speakerphone at ten o’clock in the evening and were cooking late in the evening.” As is probably the case in many flat-sharing communities, there are problems with the shared living space, for example the kitchen was often occupied, says Pauler.
In some cases, the Ukrainian mother cooked three different dishes for each meal, because the son eats a lot of meat and the daughter likes to be vegetarian. According to Pauler, the Ukrainian mother also cooked dinner around 9 p.m. because her 16-year-old daughter had found a job as a dental assistant in Munich and only came back late. Hostess Miriam Pauler says: “Of course I understand that the daughter is hungry when she comes home”, at the same time it was at a time when the Paulers wanted to calm down. At some point she said that the kitchen was too often occupied: “Then mother also fried a schnitzel for us.” The two families had been eating separately for a long time.
“As a host, you don’t want to ban everything.”
Miriam Pauler, as she says, was more reluctant to criticize: “As a host, you don’t want to ban everything” – that’s why she didn’t tell the refugees that they were using the loudspeakers of their cell phones to call home late at night: “I have thought, they’ve been through a lot, and you don’t want to badmouth everything as a host family.” One would have liked to know how the Ukrainian family experienced their time with the Paulers, but when asked, they did not want to comment.
Another problem Pauler saw was that the eleven-year-old Ukrainian had been “spoiled”: He sat at the dining table with his mobile phone and only ate meat, neither vegetables nor salad: “At some point we ate separately because my children always asked me why he is allowed to do all this and she is not”. Miriam Pauler only answered her children: “I’m not his mother, I can’t forbid him.”
In addition, the use of energy became a problem: “In the Ukraine, electricity probably doesn’t cost as much as it does here,” says Pauler, mother of four. The eleven-year-old in particular often left the lights on in the rooms, even when the sun was still shining. She then ran after him and kept turning off the lights – she also pointed this out several times in English: “But at some point you don’t want to say it for the 300th time.” The other Ukrainian guests would have noticed their anger. At some point they only went around the house with cell phone flashlights to catch what their son had done.
She would have done some things differently from the start
If the woman from Unterweilbach looks back, she would still have taken in a host family again – even if everything went differently than she had imagined: “I would also be happy if someone had helped me in this situation.” She would have done some things differently from the start, would have set clear rules, for example when to eat. And she would have made it clear: “We eat what’s on the table.” She would also address things immediately “before something boils over,” such as why it makes sense to turn off the lights during the day.
According to Pauler, there was no dispute as a trigger for the refugees to move out – both sides were probably no longer satisfied with the situation: “The family was already looking for an apartment themselves,” says Miriam Pauler. When she read in the Whatsapp group for Hebertshausen asylum workers that the boarding house in the center of town was ready for occupancy, she told her Ukrainian roommates: “They said it was the right thing for us.”
Contact with the former roommates continues. The seven-year-old Simon recalls that they were always grateful that they were allowed to live with the Paulers: “They helped empty the dishwasher, set the table and cleared it up, and they gave me soap bubbles,” he says with a smile. Living together with the eleven-year-old in the pre-adolescent phase was probably problematic, says Miriam Pauler: “But that could have happened to us with an exchange student from England or Hamburg as well.” In her case, even more support from the district office would not have helped: “It was just about interpersonal relationships. You shouldn’t involve a third party, you should address everything right away.”
“As a hostel family, you should say what you expect”
Helping makes you happy, but it can also be challenging. At least that is the experience of Silke Dütz from the Hebertshausen helpers’ group: “It usually becomes critical when living space is shared.” Similar to a flat share, there are sometimes unequal ideas, for example when it comes to cleaning, which is why she advises: “As a hostel family, you should say what you expect.”
The Hebertshauser helper group tries to support the local host families as best it can: “In the beginning it was about ensuring that the refugees were housed dry and safe, now it’s about integration”, which is why the helper group and neighborhood help in Hebertshausen organize trips, Driving services or afternoons to learn German – to protect the hosts from signs of fatigue.