Because of the war in Ukraine, a feeling got into our heads that many people hadn’t had in this form for a long time. For the past week, both my 87-year-old mother-in-law and my 11-year-old daughter have spoken out about being scared. Before the war, before Putin’s war.
My mother-in-law has lived across from our family for years. She loves to cook for her grandchildren, walks cheerfully to the knitting circle despite her old age and enjoys our dog. “Multi-generation house across the street” is what we call the model, which is definitely worth considering for the future in view of demographic change and the lack of care.
You see each other, you help each other. Grandma irons my shirts – and she does it so incredibly well that no cleaning in the world could do it. I drag their water boxes over – “With sparkling water, please”, as I’m drummed into every week. Win win.
traumatic memories
Last week Grandma wasn’t her old self anymore, she seemed troubled, worried. At the beginning she had watched the news, as she has done for decades at eight sharp. She’s letting it go now. The images of the war bothered her and provided a flashback to her childhood. She never forgot the sound of the air raid siren. The impact sounds of the deadly and destructive aerial bombs have never been erased from their memories. The pictures of people fleeing reminded her of how her own mother once fled with her, far away from Cologne, the target of the attack.
A dark time full of deprivation and fears. She never spoke of it because she hoped those times would never come again. Now they are closer again. There is talk that “a third world war” must be prevented. “Nuclear strikes cannot be ruled out,” it says, referring to the apparently uncontrollable war criminal Putin. “I’m scared,” she said quietly. Not for themselves, especially for their three children and grandchildren. Because she remembers how terrible her own experiences were back then, she wants to spare everyone.
Her youngest granddaughter is also afraid. She has never experienced war, no violence, no evil. She slept her whole life carefree and surrounded by numerous cuddly toys in her princess bed. A smile on their lips when we parents tucked them in again at night. Now we got electronic mail from the school administration, care should be taken that the children don’t look at too many disturbing pictures on the net.
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War is a topic everywhere
To put it more simply, in a war that is also being waged digitally and actually takes place around the clock in all media. On the way to school on the electronic billboards. At school, because classmates who have relatives in Ukraine suddenly cry in class and instead of teaching mathematics, there is a joint discussion to process what happened. In art class, the children painted stones in the colors of Ukraine. It says “Stop War” and “Peace”.
The conversations at the lunch table have changed, the children take the war theme with them, they want to talk about it, but also do something. A former agency employee had asked for a few toy donations on Facebook. Her sister provides temporary accommodation to a refugee family with their children. My kids immediately packed stuffed animals, games, a basketball and much more. They also invested their pocket money to buy LEGO kits in the supermarket for the children who came to Germany with nothing. A small drop of help, but it is impressive to see how many people have reached out to those who have arrived, set out to make a contribution in the border area or donated money and goods.
But no matter how good the help is, it doesn’t go away with the fear. According to a recent Forsa survey, almost two-thirds of Germans fear that NATO could be drawn into the war. This thought circles in many heads and triggers very different reactions. Some get panic and stress, others fall into a kind of helpless rigidity. Many, like my mother-in-law, hardly dare to follow the news on their mobile phone, in the newspaper or on television.
The fear particularly affects people who are already burdened by a previous trauma or who suffer from depression. “It is very important,” a psychologist friend of mine, who is also active in trauma therapy, told me, “to take the incoming fear seriously and not simply talk it away.” The older generation in particular reacts more traumatically to the new war news, because impressions long suppressed in the deepest depths of memories come to light again.
Don’t get lost in the endless loop
Even those who second World War or who did not experience the subsequent flight themselves, can suffer from the traumatic experiences of their parents and relatives through the stories they tell. In the meantime even the phenomenon “Doomscrolling” or “Doomsurfing” is doing the rounds. The terms stand for the excessive consumption of negative news on the Internet. According to many experts, the increased consumption of primarily negative headlines can cause damage to the personal psyche. My psychologist friend also advises switching off more often – in the truest sense of the word. In his opinion, it is also sufficient to obtain information twice a day, for example, and not to consume the reports in an endless loop.
It is also important, not only when dealing with children, to exchange ideas with others. It is always helpful to realize that you are not alone in your worries and that others feel the same way. Isolation and loneliness make people more susceptible to fears, so even those who think they don’t have a direct contact person in their environment should seek support. An initiative worth supporting, for which I have already worked as a supporter, is called “Speaking time for you”. On the website www.virtualsupporttalks.de offer coaches an open ear free of charge and already made a valuable contribution during the lockdown phase in the Corona crisis. “Fear doesn’t go away by talking to each other,” says my wise psychologist friend Bertold, “but it’s better managed.” With this in mind: Let’s all keep in touch, listen and help. With words and with deeds.