We have already moved to another city twice with our children, 12 and 14. When they first moved, they were still young, when they moved second, they were in elementary school. Now my wife has a great job offer 600 kilometers away that she would like to accept. I am a freelancer and would come with me immediately, but the children don’t want to move. How much should we let them have a say?
Markus T., Rosenheim
Margit Auer:
I’m just trying to imagine how it’ll work if you don’t involve the kids. Put moving boxes in front of the door on Friday and announce: “We’ll be living in Kassel from Saturday?” No, it does not work out this way. Not with teenagers. Spend a weekend in the city that this is all about. Ask the children to be as unbiased as possible. Walk the streets, check out the schools, imagine what it would be like to live there. But be open-minded too! Be honest about the arguments. If, in the end, only the next step in a person’s career remains, I think that’s not enough. If, however, catchwords like “learning new things” and “thirst for adventure” come up, then you can start to study the real estate advertisements.
Herbert Renz upholstery:
I’m at a loss here, so I can’t give any advice. Perhaps this is a good opportunity to clarify what an expert in child development issues can and cannot do. Because I am sure there are several correct answers to this question. Yes, a decision against the children’s wishes can be okay. But it can also be the beginning of deeper problems. It all depends on details and constellations that only you as a family can assess: How strongly do you rate the positive side – that is, this professional offer? A step up or really new wings? And your current situation – so-so, expandable or dead end? How strong are you as a family to compensate for or heal the crisis that such a move can mean? How resilient are the children? (A very important question to be clarified together). What does the world look like into which the children then have to grow? Do you and the children already know her? Have you already discussed all the pros and cons of moving? There are definitely other points that you think may be important for the assessment. That’s why you are the real experts here.
Collien Ulmen-Fernandes:
Dear Markus, So you and your family live in Rosenheim, in the most beautiful foothills of the Alps, almost Italy, surrounded by Chiemsee and Tegernsee, and you want to give up this wonderful life for professional reasons? For money and influence? It’s really not nice everywhere in Germany. Or, to put it another way, the least ugly place is certainly near the Alps, and yet you want to move 600 km away from this Rosenheim, through which the Inn flows so wonderfully? Where do you want to go? If I look at that on the map, probably to Berlin. But have you been there before? It’s not a comparison, I tell you, and I’ve lived there for over ten years. Your children seem to see it very similarly. Now, of course, children are rarely the best advisors, and you should do the devil and always listen to them, but they usually know where they feel comfortable. So my advice, even if you shouldn’t listen to it at all: Just stay in Rosenheim, enjoy the view of the mountains, and every now and then take the children over the Brenner Pass to Italy. Just because you can. Do you actually know how far Italy is from Berlin? You will be amazed!