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equal rights
This mom made a sly deal with her husband. And you have to listen to a lot
In her book “We are all equal for a long time,” Alexandra Zykunov dissects empty phrases that women often hear
© Andreas Sibler
On Instagram, the journalist Alexandra Zykunov collects the clichés and role models women are still confronted with on a daily basis. Now she has written a book – and breaks down so-called bullshit sentences in an amusing way.
It’s that time again in two weeks. Then Alexandra Zykunov will close the door behind her boyfriend and their two children and take a deep breath: she has 48 hours of free time ahead of her. 48 hours to do whatever you want. In which she can sleep in, read a book, think a thought through without anyone wanting anything from her. Sounds too good to be true? Then you are probably a mother of small children.
“I know so many mothers who say the last time they had a day to themselves was several years ago during pregnancy. How can they still stand?” Asks Zykunov. It was like that for her, until she realized that she was also setting an example for her little daughter in this constant chafing, barely avoiding burnout. This is how what Zykunov and her boyfriend almost conspiratorially call “the deal” came about: Every six weeks, one of them takes turns grabbing the children and taking them to their grandparents for a weekend. Or one of them goes to friends and the rest of the family stays at home. So one of the two is regularly free.
“We’ve All Been Equal” by Alexandra Zykunov is now available in stores. 288 pages, 10.99 euros
©PR
“You have incredible anticipation when you know: In two weeks I’ll recharge my batteries. Especially when times are tough, for example when job deadlines collide with childhood infections or lockdowns, when the little ones are teething and overtime is due.” Therefore, many of her friends envy Zykunov for this deal. But there are also negative reactions, and above all one sentence that she can no longer hear. “Don’t you miss your children when you go away?” he asks, and he made it into her book, which has just been published by Ullstein-Verlag. “‘We’ve all had equal rights for a long time!’ – 25 bullshit sentences and how we finally dissect them” it says.
“Bullshit sentences are phrases that could easily come from the suburban hell of the 1960s, but which will also fall in 2022 on playgrounds or at Hannelore’s birthday party. Where you think: Do you actually notice what old role models you are passing on?”, explains the journalist. “Are you lucky that your husband helps so much at home!” is part of it, “Women don’t want to make a career at all!” or “It’s your own fault if women scratch each other’s eyes out!”.
Absurd Equality Anecdotes: “I Thought You Were Dead!”
These are sentences that only reveal the misogyny and patriarchal system behind them on closer inspection. Zykunov takes a very close look and breaks down these sentences with humor and a good dose of anger. That’s how they know her followers from Instagram, where she collects experiences from women as an influencer under the hashtag #MeanwhileImYear2022, which show how deeply anchored the unequal role models of women and men still are. For example, from the mother who says that her husband always goes with his daughter to get his hair cut. “Years later, when I did that, the hairdresser said, ‘I thought you were dead.'”
“So if a girl goes to the hairdresser’s with her father in 2022, we as a society are more likely to have her mother dead than she is just doing something else, maybe enjoying her free time – God forbid – or maybe even on vacation alone with himself,” writes Zykunov in the book. She knows this kind of situation from her deal. What particularly annoys her about the question of missing: “There is an accusation of lack of emotionality: Don’t you love your child at all? Don’t you cling to him?” By the way, your boyfriend will never be asked that question. “You have to imagine it the other way around: A man goes on a business trip from Monday to Wednesday and is told: ‘Don’t you love your child? Then you shouldn’t have had children!’ It immediately becomes clear how absurd the question to a father is, but not to a mother. That shows us that we are still measuring with double standards.”
As good as the deal is for her and her family: Alexandra Zykunov knows that it is only possible through privileges. Not all of them have grandparents at all, with whom you get along well, who are fit enough and also live reasonably close by. This regeneration is extremely important. “It is not for nothing that there is talk of collective mother burnouts, especially after the two-year pandemic – the mothers’ recovery organizations confirm these figures.” She therefore wants political support. “Why is it only possible to take a deep breath when I can afford it privately? If household chores, cleaning, cooking, bringing up children or caring for relatives were officially designated as care work, it would be clear that you also need a care leave from it “Why don’t parents and adults, who care for people, for example, get more vacation days for this very care work that they do in addition? A school-age child, for example, has 64 vacation days, but an employee only has 28 vacation days on average. It would be awesome if you would also have a care work holiday entitlement, paid for by the state.” Why should the state give parents free vacation here? “Well, because parents are raising tomorrow’s tax and pension payers for the state for free,” she says. In other countries, for example, there are vouchers for domestic help and babysitters for single parents, but in Germany this is still difficult to imagine. Even if the current government has at least done something similar before.
By the way, Alexandra Zykunov also regularly takes time off with her boyfriend. But there were never any sayings – after all, it’s also about a man’s needs. “Well,” she says, “patriarchy at its best.”