Dissociative Identity Disorder: A Child in an Adult’s Body

protocol

Dissociative Identity Disorder
Many identities share one body: “I think it’s stupid that I don’t have that much time myself”

Who doesn’t know the inner voices that like to speak out, especially before important decisions – and thus represent completely opposing views. We all have different parts of our personality that don’t always pull together. But what if the whole thing doesn’t just happen in our heads, but is so pronounced that we consist of several distinct personalities? Then we speak of a “dissociative Identity disorder“. But what is it actually like to be many?

The Bonnies know this very well, they have “dissociative identity disorder” and speak up Social media about how this shapes their lives. They don’t know exactly how many Bonnies there are. But the whole thing only really becomes tangible when you get to know a few of them, when you hear them speak and see that really different characters live in one person. Four of the Bonnies took us exclusively into their world of thoughts. In the next few days we will get to know Tessa, Isa, Fiona and 46 a little better. Today Tessa talks about her life.

I’m Tessa and I’m ten years old. But I’ve been ten for a long time, so I’m a bit more grown up than other ten-year-old children. But somehow not, because I wasn’t in the body for ten years straight. I don’t really know how I’m doing. I don’t think I’m doing well, because my body hurts from memories of the past. That’s always bad. I also always find it stupid to be inside a lot – to have no access to my body. Everything isn’t so nice then, sometimes the others hurt each other. That’s why I prefer to be in the body, but I’m not doing that so much at the moment.

The valuable time in the body

When I’m in the body, my favorite thing to do is cuddle with Rufus, my dog. He likes me the most out of all of us. I also like to cuddle or play with our partner Meike. My favorite thing to do is go out for ice cream with our best friend Nicky. I used to be unable to taste anything, she practiced that with me. The first time I ate ice cream, it was really strange because it was cold food on a stick. We bought this at the gas station with a friend. The first time at the sea was also great. I’ve always wanted to go to the sea. And then one day when I wasn’t feeling well, friends just packed me into the car and we drove to the sea. And for once I was allowed to be there and didn’t have to hide.

But sometimes I have to hide when I’m in the body. I find it incredibly sad that I don’t have any friends who are also ten years old because I’m in a big body. But I have friends who are older than me, which is cool too. But I’m always afraid that they won’t like spending time with me because I’m still so small. But I don’t think that’s true, they like me too. But sometimes I have to act like an adult when I’m in the body and we order food in a restaurant, for example. I’m good at it, but I don’t like having to pretend. In therapy I first had to learn that I was allowed to be there.

But it’s really exhausting with lots of people. I think I’d find it cooler alone. Unless I were the boss, then it would be okay. But we don’t have a boss. So it’s very exhausting because lots of people are crying inside and are sad and want a hug. But you can’t look after everyone because there are so many and not all of them can get into their bodies and experience something good like me. I feel sorry for that. But I also think it’s stupid that I don’t have that much time myself.

The desire for understanding

I’m glad that I don’t always have to be in the body because that can be tiring, but I still don’t have enough time. I would like to experience more with Meike and Nicky, play more with Rufus and stuff like that. There are also a lot of evil people inside. But they don’t actually want to be evil, a therapist once explained to me, they are evil because they have experienced something bad themselves. They still hurt other of us. It’s bad that you’re not safe inside either.

That’s why I hope that in the future I’ll have a lot of time in my body. But not too much. And can drink a lot of Fanta. And can do a lot. And that a lot of people understand more and know why I exist and what we’ve been through and that it’s bad and that people don’t think that I’m crazy.

This protocol is the third part of a four-part series on “Dissociative Personality Disorder.” We think: In order to even begin to understand what it feels like to be “many”, you should listen to more than just one of the personality parts. That’s why we let four of the Bonnies have their say – and take us into their world. In the next part we get to know 46. She is the only one of the Bonnies who has a romantic relationship.

Part one of the series can be found here.
Part two of the series can be found here.

recorded by Leonie Zimmermann