How many of you started a new fitness regime this year? Now, how many took on a new sex challenge?
Just as I thought!
If you’ve been together more than a year, it’s time to shake things up a little with my six-month sex rejuvenation plan.
These are doable, simple tasks that aren’t too out there but edgy enough to push you out of your comfort zones.
I start with simple things that still have significant impact, then work up to more adventurous suggestions. If you really don’t fancy something, give it a miss, but do something else you’ve never done before in its place.
There are four tasks each month. You can do one a week or several in the same session. Feel free to put your own frame on it: do them all within two weeks if you’re super keen or, if you’d rather do one new thing a month or every two months, do that!
Just do something!!!
Human beings are creatures of habit and never more so than when it comes to sex.
Dare to step outside the square – you’ve got nothing to lose but a bland, routine sex life!
Tracey said technique becomes more important the longer you’re together, so give lots of feedback and look at online practical guides for tips (stock image)
MONTH ONE
Sleep naked. Yes, if you have small children that crawl into bed unannounced, you might need to skip this one. But otherwise, ditch ALL your clothes once you’re in bed with each other. This does more than you think for your sex life. First up, you’re vulnerable when you’re naked and that’s a good thing for couples. The feel of the sheets on naked skin makes you feel sensuous, and it encourages couples to get into the habit of touching each other’s erogenous zones without it necessarily leading to sex. And, of course, it will lead to you having more sex simply because a naked body reminds us of sex.
No sex in a bed. You can have sex anywhere you like but it can’t be in the place you always do it. This doesn’t just add variety, it breaks you out of the habit of only thinking about sex last thing at night or first thing in the morning. You’ll not only vary the location, you’ll vary the time you have sex as well.
Tell each other three things you’d like more of. The trick to communicating well is to talk about what you’d like more of, not less of. You won’t get anywhere by saying “It drives me crazy when you do that – and not in a good way”. But you will if you say “Darling, that feels great. But it would feel even better if you did it for longer/moved your hand here”.
Masturbate in front of each other. This has so many benefits, I don’t know where to start! You will learn more about what technique your partner likes by doing this than anything else. If you’re watching a man do it, by the way, pay attention to where they place their hand at the start and how they’re holding their hand. It makes all the difference. For her, you can put your hand over hers to get a feel of the speed and pressure. If she’s using her vibrator, watch how she holds it near orgasm. Does she alter the speed or pressure? This isn’t just a show and tell exercise though, it’s a turn on as well! If you’re really shy, close your eyes so you can’t see them watching.
MONTH TWO
Tracey (pictured) claims making eye contact during orgasms can make you feel more connected and turned on
Try new positions for oral sex. Even the most boring couple thinks about trying the odd intercourse position now and then. But don’t forget about oral sex. The next time you do it to him, drop to your knees and play the submissive rather than just do it sideways on the bed. Or you sit on the side of the bed while he stands in front of you. If you’re using your hands on him, stand behind him and reach around. (Especially sexy if you do it in front of a mirror so he can watch.) He can put your legs over his shoulders (or you can pull them up to your chest while lying on your back). Or try you on all fours while he slides underneath, faces the opposite direction and uses pillows to bring him up to the right height. A great power position: you stand with your legs apart, leaning back against a wall.
Find out your partner’s ‘thing’. All of us have a core erotic theme – something we need to express to be able to fuel or feel desire. It’s our ‘thing’, something that never fails to get us aroused. That might be having sex in semi-public, wearing heels to bed, watching porn while having sex, enjoying anal, being spanked. Lots of people guard their ‘thing’ and don’t tell their partner for fear of being judged. The couple who find out and indulge each other’s core erotic theme rate very high on sex satisfaction.
Throw in a quickie every third time you have sex. It breaks you out of the same old tired sex routine and you’re more likely to do it outside the bedroom. Add bonus points if you do it in semi-public.
Look at each other when you orgasm. Seventy per cent of couples have sex with their eyes closed. Make eye contact all the way through and keep them locked while your partner orgasms. You’ll feel way more connected, not to mention turned on.
MONTH THREE
Say yes to something you normally wouldn’t. I always say you should try everything within reason once. Your partner wants you to suck their big toe while they play with your breasts/hide in the closet naked and let them find you? If that’s what does it for them, why not indulge them just once? So long as no-one is being hurt physically or emotionally against their will, try not to judge. If you don’t fancy it, suggest something else. Usually, a request to do something is simply a request to do something new.
Change one of the following elements for each sex session you have: the time of day you do it, what room you do it in, what you’re wearing, what position you choose, who initiates and what the focus of the session is (hand-job, oral sex, intercourse etc). This isn’t just for this month, do it permanently from now on.
Finish each sex session by telling each other three things you liked about it. Not only does this make you both bask in the afterglow, it’s a sneaky way to get a few hints across on what you didn’t like. Say your partner was giving you oral sex but seemed to rush it. Say, ‘I loved you giving me oral sex so much I didn’t want it to stop and wanted it to last much longer’.
Revamp your thrusting. It’s something that’s rarely thought about but can make even your favourite position seem new. Get him to try one gloriously slow, deep plunge, then pull right back for four shallower pumps before doing another deep thrust. Or grab your buttocks to pull your pelvis close, position his pubic bone so it’s pressing against your clitoris, and grind in relentlessly slow circles.
MONTH FOUR
Play ‘What if you could do anything you want?’. In other words, tell me a fantasy you haven’t already shared. You go first and confess something – ‘I want you to pretend I’m a sex worker and order me to do stuff’ – then see what they come up with. It lets your partner know you’re open to hearing things that are a little out there and that you won’t judge them. Keep it fun and silly to start and see where it takes you.
Brush up on your technique. Technique is important – and it becomes more important the longer you’re together. We don’t notice technique at the beginning because it’s all exciting and new but once that wears off, technique is everything. So, give lots of feedback and make sure your partner knows how to touch you the way you like. There are lots of practical guides with technique tips on oral sex, hand-jobs and more on my website (traceycox.com) and plenty generally online as well.
Offer no-effort sex: They don’t have to do anything but lie back and take, take, take. How nice does that sound? Let’s face it, we’re all selfish little buggers on the quiet! Not only will this make you look wonderfully generous sexually, only the most selfish of partners won’t feel obligated to return the favour at a later date.
Mix up the style of sex you have. We get stuck on how often and how many orgasms, but it’s the emotion behind sex that resonates the most. Couples who mix it up – who have lusty sex one night, romantic sex another; half-drunk Saturday night sex then slow, Sunday morning sex – they’re the ones who report the highest satisfaction level. Think ‘mood’ when you’re planning your next sex session.
MONTH FIVE
Play a sex game. Search ‘sex games to play with my partner’ and you’ll see there are loads to choose from. Yes, I do mean things like Strip Twister, Sexy Jenga, the board game Monogamy. Position cards where you try a new position every week for a year. Play is important with sex and playing a game where everything is done for you, takes all the pressure off.
Start a ‘sex jar’: It’s an old-school idea that still works a treat. Each write down 10 things you’d like to try on a piece of paper. Rip into separate points, fold, and put all of them in a jar. Pick out one a week to try. (You can insist on pre-approval if you’re nervous of what your partner will suggest!)
Try a butt plug. Even if you’re not in the slightest bit interested in ever taking anal stimulation further than just a finger or a small toy like this one, using a butt plug is a non-threatening way to experience the highly arousing sensations produced by anal stimulation. Wait until you’re aroused, apply lube to the plug, insert slowly, then leave and continue having sex as usual. It’s that easy (and bet it becomes your new favourite thing!).
Use a masturbatory sleeve. A far cry from the ‘fake vaginas’ that made women go ‘Ewww!’, the new versions are inoffensive, ridged silicone sleeves. Also called ‘strokers’ they are unanimously loved by all men and brilliantly versatile. Put some lube inside, slide them over the penis and use one hand to move up and down.
Tracey said we do less power games as we get older because it requires more effort than getting into the missionary position, but bondage is worth going the extra mile for (file image)
MONTH SIX
Give each other a spanking. It’s one of those things that couples say, ‘Oh that! How cliched!’…but have never actually tried. Do it! Wait until your partner is aroused – the more erotically aroused they are, the more likely they are to be up for trying it and receptive to erotic pain – and start with the buttock cheek closest to you. Keep your wrist flexible, cup your hand slightly and spank in a slightly upward motion. Start soft and have a code word for ‘too hard’.
Play a power game. Lots of us experiment with being tied up when we first start having sex – and most like it. We do it less often as we get older or the longer we’re in a relationship, simply because it requires a bit more effort than turning off the light and getting into the missionary position. Bondage is well worth going the extra mile for: you’ve just forgotten how much fun it can be! What to do once you’ve got them tied up? Anything and everything – with a heavy emphasis on tease. Do a strip for them. Masturbate in front of them. Kiss them deeply, then pull back. Give them oral sex, then stop just before they climax. Stroke them all over. Lower yourself on top, then pull away after a few thrusts. Use a sex toy to bring them to the brink, then stop.
Try temperature play. Anyone who’s ever stepped from a hot sauna straight into an icy plunge pool has experienced the effects of temperature play (though not in a sexual sense, obviously!). It’s erotic but easy to do – and nipples are a favourite target. Glass dildos are pretty to look at and they happen to be the perfect material to heat up or cool down and apply to erogenous zones. Temperature play is also about power: one person does it to the other, who is often blindfolded to increase the surprise factor.
Electrocute each other. Yes really. ‘Electro sex’ is a way of stimulating the genitals and erogenous zones with a safe amount of electrical energy (the human body is mostly water so it’s an excellent conductor). The toy or a conductive pad is placed somewhere on your body (like your genitals) to allow electricity to pass through the nerve cells. This makes you super sensitive to touch and creates sensations that range from a prickle or a tingle to a strong pulsating feeling that causes the muscles to contract. Sounds weird, feels surprisingly good.
- You’ll find Tracey’s two sex toy ranges – supersex and Edge – at lovehoney.co.uk. You’ll find her books, weekly podcast and her blog about sex and relationships at traceycox.com.