regional customs
“Celebration of Love”? Why there are often arguments at Christmas
Psychologists have a few tips to help you celebrate a peaceful Christmas with your family. photo
© picture alliance / Karl-Josef Hildenbrand/dpa
There are conflicts under the Christmas tree in many families. To make the holidays happier, psychologists recommend talking to everyone involved beforehand and talking openly about your wishes.
The family gathers harmoniously around the festively decorated tree and sings Christmas carols before everyone sits down at the richly laid table to share a meal – films and songs that are being played up and down these days are full of such clichés about the “Festival of Love”. This fuels expectations and, from the point of view of psychologists, it is to blame for the fact that reality often looks different.
“We still associate Christmas with the silent, holy night, with red cheeks and gingerbread, and everyone loves each other,” says psychologist Christine Backhaus from Frankfurt am Main. You actually know exactly what problems could arise when you celebrate together with the family. A lot of things often build up and Christmas seems like a magnifying glass.
Create your own ideal
Many people know this: as an adult you visit your parents and after just one day your nerves are frayed. Or the parents come to visit and the argument isn’t long in coming. The reason is that patterns acquired in childhood start again, as Hamburg psychologist Susanne Schmal explains.
“These patterns are deeply anchored in us, it’s like an autopilot. When we celebrate Christmas and the parents come, maybe on the first day things go quite harmoniously. But on the second or third day, things sometimes go wrong,” says Schmal. Suddenly you are no longer an adult woman, but a young daughter again. The parents also fell into their patterns again. “Then there are arguments because I think my father just always wants me to perform or my mother always wants the house to be clean and now she’s going around again and checking everything.”
In order to avoid this and have a more relaxed celebration, Schmal advises discussing your ideas within the family beforehand. When should the tree be decorated, how should the gifts be presented and do you really need an elaborate menu that puts a strain on the cook’s nerves? It’s about creating your own ideal beyond the usual clichés.
Open conversations are important
The Frankfurt psychologist Backhaus says it’s worth speaking openly, even with parents of advanced age: “It’s usually well received if you don’t phrase it as an accusation, but rather say what you think would be nice.” One way to intervene when an argument breaks out is for the family to agree on a kind of “joker” or “time-out symbol” that is then placed on the table before the drama begins. When the situation has cooled down, the conversation can be resumed. There are very good experiences from couples therapy in this regard, says Backhaus.
The psychologists advise reflecting on which of your own needs have been left behind on such an evening. “Do I need more rest, do I need to stretch my legs, do I need more space?” Backhaus gives examples. Then you have to have the courage to address this – and also ask about the needs of others. This could lead to an exchange about which rituals everyone likes and where changes would make sense.
It’s worth identifying irritating topics beforehand and asking yourself what could help you relax at that moment – taking five deep breaths, for example, says Hamburg psychologist Schmal. Or you set rules in advance and say, for example: “Mom, I don’t want to talk about this topic at Christmas.”