The corona pandemic poses major challenges for many parents, and they often run out of nerves and seek support and advice. The Advent calendar for good works of the SZ wants to “make parents strong”, as one of the themes of the fundraising campaign this year is. Birgit Mahrt, manager of the Grünwald family support center, tries to do this in her daily work and explains what is important.
SZ: Corona crisis without end – how are families?
Birgit Mahrt: I have the greatest respect for the families who are mastering this crisis. That is a terrific achievement and deserves absolute recognition. Many of the parents’ questions were of course indirectly related to Corona. For example, young people no longer had their peer group; sporting activities could not be experienced and many disputes were fought at home. Children developed noticeably, they withdrew or were extremely exaggerated, so that parents wanted to know whether this was normal for children of all ages. I think we’re only seeing the tip of the iceberg for the moment when it comes to the problems caused by Corona and the lockdowns.
What worries did parents have?
Many parents wondered how to keep in touch with the child even though the child is withdrawing, there is so much argument, the child is sad and has problems. It’s always about relationships. The relationship work is the be-all and end-all. From my point of view, in daily interaction it is necessary to meet at eye level, i.e. to be valued, as well as love, respect and esteem. Right from the start, it’s also about letting go and letting go. But a fear-ridden world out there makes this detachment more difficult, for both sides. However, letting go is particularly important for adolescents, because they also learn from their experiences, whether good or bad. We learn from mistakes, develop from them and thus learn to reflect. It was very frustrating for the young people that they did not have their friends for personal exchange and therefore spent a lot of time in the digital world. This increased media consumption worries many parents.
How badly did the young children lack contact?
Small children live from the facial expressions of others and the behavior of adults, because they are role models and companions for the children. The masks mean that there is no communicative, open togetherness. When you see all people masked as a child, then a lot is missing. For example the experience: “Somebody is laughing at me.” All that remains for the children is the parents’ facial expressions that they see at home. Due to the lockdown, only very limited contacts were possible, especially with people of the same age. As a result, they were only able to test themselves a little in the emotional, social area. Since most of the daycare centers and playgrounds could not be visited, the area of movement was severely restricted. So little motor skills, coordination and endurance could be practiced.
The knowledge of the virus that threatens everywhere also scares children.
Parents have to deal with children’s fear. Of course, parents want to comfort their children. In doing so, they should not make children’s fear a taboo. Fear is a natural feeling that you should allow yourself to be. Parents help their children by talking about it in a child-friendly way. And admit that they too are or were afraid. All feelings have their justification, anger, joy, shame, love, sadness. From my point of view, it is important to take responsibility for your own feelings. There is little point in parents denying their feelings. Because children have emotional antennas and thus know exactly whether parents are sincere. Transparency and openness, also with regard to the feelings of everyone involved, are important.
Is it allowed to cry?
Yes absolutely! Crying has healing powers. One should stick to the truth in a child-friendly way and admit that mom and dad also cry from time to time. On the subject of “feelings”, the following books have proven themselves in practice: “Me and my feelings” by Holde Kreul or the “color monster” by Anna llenas, when it comes to small children. For older children and adolescents: “With my daughter through puberty” by Judith Bildau or “Junge und Pubertät” by Reinhard Winter and “I want to understand what you really need” by Frank and Gundi Gaschler.
Will the children suffer permanent damage from the corona crisis?
It makes sense to me to have confidence in the development potential and resilience of children. In such a time of crisis it is even more important to give the children the security that they have been accepted with all their strengths and weaknesses. Positive impulses, trust, hope, strength and courage should be of great importance in family life. True to the motto: You are exactly right the way you are! And don’t forget humor, a dose of serenity and laughing together.