Column: This is the boomer speaking
Firecrackers without firecrackers: ten tough tips for New Year’s Eve
New Year’s Eve without a blast? Actually unthinkable, thinks star-Columnist Frank Schmiechen – and provides a remedy
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Nothing is allowed! Firecrackers are also prohibited. But for our author, New Year’s Eve is unthinkable without oomph. That’s why he has put together a few tips on how the New Year will still pop.
From Frank Schmiechen
It’s all over. Merkel, 2021, the mild climate, the good mood – and now that too: You shouldn’t bawl! As far as we know, the 11th commandment comes into force immediately. Are we really only left with the table fireworks? It feels as pointless as alcohol-free schnapps. Puff.
But there is another way. Here are ten suggestions on how you can roar all New Year’s Eve without a firecracker.
1. Bun bag
This is really old school. Buy rolls. Eat up rolls. Inflate empty bag. Boom! Without any emission. Volume depending on experience and technique. Anyone who can get milk can.
2. Slam doors
Can be practiced all year round. But be careful: check the hinges beforehand! Everything stuck? OK. Then open the doors wide, gain momentum and boom. That bangs! Professionals open all doors and windows beforehand. Drafts bring more, even more oomph.
3. Misfire
There is a hell of a way to really get your car going. The “Active Sound Unit” creates misfires without misfiring. On Click. Boom! After the vaccination booster, there is now the sound booster for the tough New Year’s Eve in the car.
4. Moon method 1
The Who band drummer Keith Moon was known for having loved to throw televisions out of hotel windows for a lifetime. Crash! You can do that too! Use old tube TVs. That bangs more than these newfangled flat screens. Attention: Check briefly beforehand whether someone is on the road.
5. Moon method 2
Borrow the largest possible drum kit and set it up in your living room. Many pools are important. Smash! Check out a video by Keith Moon and try to copy his style. Very important: hit hard and as crazy as possible. That’ll knock the neighbors’ eardrums off.
6. Champagne
The explosive classic with style. Get bottles of champagne. Lots. Loosen the cork slightly, then push it out of the bottle with a determined squeeze of the thumb. That bangs! And the guests are grateful. Who needs firecrackers after a few bottles of bubbly?
7. Beating the pot
Yes, it doesn’t look really elegant when you hit pots with a wooden spoon in a New Year’s tuxedo or little black dress. But difficult times require new solutions. Do you dare! Deng, deng, deng! Guaranteed to bring mood to the booth.
8. Tap dance or flamenco
The secret is in the shoes. Special heels ensure that every step and step bangs really well. The whole neighborhood is happy. Works best on bare floors.
9. Gun Cancer
Get yourself a pistol crab. It’s the loudest animal in the world. With his gripper arm he creates a bang that is up to 200 decibels loud. Louder than any firecracker. But be careful: In addition to the bang, a flash of light and temperatures of more than 4,700 degrees Celsius are generated. These little rascals!
10. Doppelkorn
Still bangs the hardest.
In 2021 my boomer column will also end stern.de. Thank you for your interest, the many emails and comments! The boomer continues. Elsewhere.