What’s behind a pillow? This cosmic question is that Wall Street Journal recently followed up on page 1 of his print edition, with a puzzled look at the Germans who crumple up the largest pillows in the Western world: 80 x 80 centimetres. Why so big? Another bout of German megalomania, only softer, more indulgent? Elsewhere, the upholstery is definitely more modest.
That journal, otherwise fond of tough politics, notes succinctly: “The world may be at odds everywhere, but many travelers to Germany agree on one thing: Traditional German pillows are too big, too square and too soft.” Linda O’Grady, an Irish writer, denigrated the German version as a “giant marshmallow”.
But in the meantime local people who have to share their bed with the monster are also asking: What is this thing that takes up half the bed? No head is so big, no neck so long to justify a monster stuffed with down, feathers or plastic. That’s how it’s always been, is the dry answer. The Romans invented the feather-filled pillow, the Germans imitated them at some point and have been resting their heads on a square meter of down for centuries.
Only the Germans? There is confusion everywhere in bed. Anyone who googles “pillow” will be surprised by the variety of national peculiarities. But when it comes to square centimetres, the Germans are the statistical outliers. Americans, for whom nothing from strawberries to pumpkins can be too big, are satisfied with half our standard pillow. In the superpower beds, the shoulders rest on the mattress and the spine can relax in the ideal position.
A criminally neglected regulatory task awaits the EU
The French prefer oreillers in the format 65 x 65 centimeters or 50 x 70, the Swedes 50 x 60, the Danes 60 x 63. The Austrians are closer to the Germans in size, but stay away from the German square with 70 x 90 centimetres. Despite their love of order, the Swiss are true chaos – with three sizes. Everyone takes what they please, and the EU has a criminally neglected regulatory task ahead of it. If tractor seats are standardized, then there must be cushions, of which there are millions and millions more. That would not be obsessive, but practical. As soon as you move from one EU city to the next, you won’t find a suitable cushion cover in the next laundry shop.
Orthopaedists, physiotherapists and sleep researchers do not appreciate the large German pillows either. “The main task of a pillow is,” says the Swiss bedding manufacturer Zizzz, “to fill the cavity between the neck and the mattress in order to prevent physical problems such as tension.” But this space is only filled by the German marshmallow with constant attempts to crumple it. These are in vain, however, because people turn back and forth up to eighty times during the night.
That’s why sleep specialists recommend smaller pillows. But there the next problem awaits; German bed linen always comes with the 80×80 centimeter pillowcase. How to stow the smaller pillow in the huge cover so that the superfluous fabric doesn’t wrap around your neck? Youtube has the answer to “How do I properly cover my 40×80 pillow with an 80×80 case?” Put the little thing in, fold the envelope neatly around the filling.
But we have to face the truth: just as the Romans never wanted to give up the feather pillow they once invented, the Germans don’t want to give up the downy, fluffy and much too large cuddly substitute either. Not good for the neck, but good for grief and homesickness, loss of a mother or partner. This time, of course, the German special path is soft, not hard.
And what if the soft special way of the questionable German cuddly pillow was not only the reason for orthopedic tension? What if our tense backs lead straight into a less relaxed life? Because the German spine does not get through the night in an ideal position thanks to the perceived square meter of pillow, the sleeper wakes up tense, cramped, unhappy. He’s already forced to meet the world the way Germans meet it: lecturing and whining. He’s already not giving up, but complaining about wrong personal pronouns and gender asterisks, doesn’t want to put on the mask because it presses against his tense spine, constantly evil… The smaller pillow might have prevented all of that. This calls for a pillow revolution. Also, where in lean times the consumption of fewer springs would help: win-win for everyone, less soft but more eco. That alone could lead to more serenity. Bring on the little pillows!