Stalking and intimate partner violence – When men become victims


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As of: October 8, 2024 6:07 a.m

Men also experience stalking and relationship violence. But there are hardly any advice centers or shelters specifically for men in Germany. According to one, around three quarters of Germans are full screenSurvey for more advice and help offers.

By Sonja Peteranderl, SWR

“After university, she often stalked me, grabbed my hand and grabbed my ass in public,” says Max, who lives in the Stuttgart area and actually has a different name. He said in an interview with that he was stalked by his ex-girlfriend after the breakup SWR-Investigative format Full screen.

During the relationship she controlled, insulted and slapped him. Every time they met, she checked his smartphone and browsed through his messages and photos. “I felt very naked,” says Max. “I was afraid of doing something wrong, of doing something that would upset her and that she would punish me afterwards.”

In most cases of stalking and relationship violence, men are the perpetrators. But how Full screenResearch shows that many men in Germany are also affected by cyberstalking, stalking and relationship violence.

In 2023, the Federal Criminal Police Office recorded almost 170,000 cases of relationship violence in Germany. Almost 80 percent of those affected were women, around 20 percent were men, i.e. at least one in five people affected by violence.

Netflix series makes the problem visible

The British hit Netflix series “Baby Reindeer”, which recently won six Emmys, makes the problem visible: a young man is stalked by a woman and raped by a man. In Great Britain, the mini-series triggered a so-called “baby reindeer” effect: more young men turned to counseling centers for men affected by violence.

In Germany, there are too few counseling centers for male victims of relationship violence to demonstrate a similar effect. Nevertheless, the series could also help those affected in Germany: “Basically, we are very happy with every media representation, every report, every series, because we know that this leads to people starting to talk about it and realizing that they have experienced something similar.” says psychologist Björn Süfke, who helped set up the “Violence Against Men” helpline.

The helpline, founded in 2020, is one of the few advice centers in Germany that is specifically aimed at men affected by violence. Several thousand men turn to the hotline every year because they are being controlled, stalked, threatened or beaten in relationships. Some also talk about sexualized attacks.

Traditional role models

But only a fraction of men who experience relationship violence turn to counseling centers or the police. Traditional role models often prevent men from seeking help and receiving support – this can make relationship violence against men invisible. “Defining yourself as a victim is like cutting into your own masculinity,” says Süfke. “You victim” is the “worst swear word in schoolyards” today.

“Men feel it takes longer to suffer than women before they bring themselves to file a complaint,” observes the Saxony State Criminal Police Office. But the police are not yet sufficiently aware of male victims of violence, as interviews by the editorial team show Full screen with those affected and experts.

Disbelieving reaction from the police

Clemens also reported in the interview that he was beaten by his ex-girlfriend. Once it was so violent that he wanted to call the police. His girlfriend said: “Yes, go ahead. Who do you think they believe more, the big, broad guy or the cute little girl?” When Clemens later wanted to file a complaint against her, a police officer reacted in disbelief when he found out that the perpetrator was a woman, says Clemens.

The “Violence Against Men” helpline is actually only intended to be a first point of contact. “Of course, many men need further advice or protection,” says Süfke. “Then we often have to say: The next option is 300 kilometers away.” There are currently only a dozen men’s shelters in the whole of Germany where those affected by stalking or relationship violence can take refuge, with a total of only 43 men. “That’s a drop in the ocean,” says Süfke.

Majority for more education

On behalf of Full screen Infratest dimap exclusively asked Germans about stalking and domestic violence against men in a representative survey. The results are surprisingly clear: 72 percent of Germans believe that the issue of stalking and domestic violence against men is not taken seriously enough. 75 percent think that more education and information as well as more help and advice services are needed.

“There are currently no adequate support offers for women or men affected by violence,” confirmed the Federal Ministry for Family Affairs when asked by Full screen. According to the ministry, the so-called Violence Assistance Act should be introduced; three million euros are planned for 2025 for prevention measures.

“The Violence Relief Act sounds good, but money has to be spent on it, otherwise it won’t help,” criticizes Asha Hedayati, a family law lawyer. She says: “Three million is nothing, that’s absurd.”

Helplines for men understaffed

Even on the “Violence against Men” helpline, men in need cannot reach anyone. According to Björn Süfke, the hotline lacks money and consultants. There is only one line – it is only open during the day during the week. “The colleagues from the ‘Violence against Women’ helpline have already reported to us that they clearly notice on weekends and evenings that we are not staffed, because men then call the ‘Violence against Women’ helpline because there is no place to go,” says Süfke.

Even when Clemens tried to call advice centers, they were all occupied. “You feel powerless,” he says. “You feel left alone and you feel like you’ve failed the system.”

More men are speaking out publicly

The “What’s wrong with you” initiative from “Kriminchat”, an advisory service for young people, tries to reach boys and men where they are: on platforms such as Twitch or YouTube or at events such as the Gamescom computer games fair. The young team also works with YouTubers and influencers who speak publicly about feelings, depression, suicidal thoughts or stalking. “That has really changed a lot in the last few years, more and more people have gone public,” says psychologist Elias Jessen from Krisenchat. “That’s something that gives us a lot of courage to decide where we want to go.”

The crisis chat team wants to break taboos and help men open up. Max says he never told any of his friends about it during his abusive relationship. It was only after three years that he managed to break off contact with his ex-girlfriend. Previously he had the feeling that he was simply at the woman’s mercy. “If I escape, I’ll be a wimp in their eyes,” he says. “If I hadn’t fled and fought back, then I would have a lawsuit on my hands, and rightly so.”

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