Emily Nagoski, a renowned expert in sexual science, explores the complexities of sexual relationships in her latest book, “Come Together.” Following her previous bestseller “Come As You Are,” where she debunked myths around female sexuality, she now examines how to maintain a fulfilling sexual life in long-term partnerships. Nagoski emphasizes the importance of pleasure over conventional sexual norms, advocating for personal exploration and open communication about desires. Her insights challenge common beliefs about sex, emotional intimacy, and societal pressures surrounding sexual expression.
Emily Nagoski has perhaps accumulated the world’s largest collection of scientific knowledge about sex in her mind. Whenever she gets the chance to talk about it, her laughter and joy are palpable; she nearly exults. Sex has been her life since she began her studies in psychology alongside becoming a sexual educator. One question has always intrigued her: Why do we engage in sex at all?
This question may seem trivial. Aren’t we merely animals driven by sexual urges that societal norms attempt, often unsuccessfully, to control? Not so, says Nagoski; the answer is much more complex.
In 2015, Nagoski published her first book, which debunked numerous myths surrounding female sexuality. “Come As You Are” became a New York Times bestseller and continues to hold a prominent position on Amazon’s list of best-selling sex books.
Her second book now addresses a question that concerns both genders: How can couples maintain a fulfilling sexual life over the long term? And what does that even entail? As a sex researcher, this query is natural for Nagoski. However, the motivation behind writing “Come Together” was also deeply personal.
In her first book, “Come As You Are,” she explains the mechanics of sexuality — how our brains produce and process arousal and desire. However, in her second book, she reveals something strange that happened to her during this exploration.
That’s right. While writing “Come As You Are,” I completely lost my desire for sex.
Was it because too much discussion or contemplation about sex dampens passion?
No! Since I was 18, I’ve been discussing, thinking, and writing about sex almost daily. It wasn’t the scientific discourse that killed my passion; it was the stress of writing a book. I had never written one before and felt immense pressure. Ultimately, I feared this might be the only book I would ever write.
How did you feel about that, especially considering you were writing about good sex?
I rationally understood that stress commonly decreases sexual desire. I thought that once I completed the book, things would improve. Then, I went on a book tour — and it got much worse.
What did you do?
I tried to follow my own advice from “Come As You Are.” I got into bed with my partner and allowed our skin to touch. My body should have responded with, “Oh yes, I like this! I really like this person; what a great idea!” Instead, I found myself crying and falling asleep. So, I needed more advice. I did what any good sex nerd would: I opened Google Scholar and searched for all the peer-reviewed studies on how couples maintain strong sexual connections.
For most people, that might not seem like the most logical step. What did you discover?
What I read contradicted everything usually said about sex in long-term relationships.
For instance?
There’s this narrative that too much emotional closeness kills sexual desire. At the beginning of a relationship, we all feel that fiery, passionate energy, that “I can’t wait to put my tongue in your mouth” feeling. But over time, that energy dissipates. This narrative is accepted as if it were a natural law.
The couple therapist Esther Perel asserts that maintaining some emotional distance in a relationship is crucial to keeping sexual desire alive.
However, many sex therapists now disagree. They argue that it is precisely this emotional closeness that is necessary to sustain passion. From my research, I learned that they are correct: Couples who enjoy great sex over time do not talk about “sparks” or “passion” or “desire.” Instead, they talk about “pleasure,” “authenticity,” “fun,” and “curiosity about their partner.”
So, the so-called natural law that long-term relationships inevitably become sexless is simply false?
I do not deny that initial passion diminishes with time. Then, couples face a choice: Should one accept that they are less sexually active and simply hold hands on the beach at sunset? Or should they invest time, energy, and perhaps money to reignite that spark and reclaim spontaneous desire? Yet, even this question is misframed. This supposed energy or spontaneous desire is not a benchmark for a fantastic sexual connection.
You frequently discuss pleasure, desire, and arousal. Pleasure seems straightforward: the activities I engage in bring me joy. Desire, as you interpret it, means wanting something. And arousal is strictly physiological.
Thanks to neuroscience, we understand that these processes are distinct. Arousal is merely a physical response —