Affair in relationship
Proximity, sex and distance: a couples therapist reveals the most common causes of an affair
According to the expert, couples who concentrate on each other and maintain their relationship have the best chance of preventing an affair
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Would you cheat on someone you love? Can you (again) trust a cheating person? Can an affair be prevented? We talked about it with couples therapist Eric Hegmann.
This text first appeared at this point at brigitte.de.
For most people, an affair is the most serious and hurtful breach of trust of all. Nevertheless, a lot of people have had experiences with it – whether as a duped, cheating or single who has got involved with someone who has been forgiven. We talked to the Hamburg couple therapist Eric Hegmann about the subject of affairs.
Hello dear Eric! In your experience, what are the most common reasons why people get involved in affairs in the first place?
Sex therapists often say: men seek closeness through sex, women need closeness through sex. That means, even if closeness is defined differently: It’s about closeness! If there is a lack of closeness and attachment in the relationship, this is sought elsewhere. Conversely, it can be said: distance between the partners creates the prerequisite that the need for closeness with others arises.
What creates distance, so what should I avoid if possible so that there is no distance between me and my partner?
Often, jealousy and the desire for control are reasons why a partner distances himself. In addition, distance can arise within the partnership but also through exclusivity outside the relationship. For example, when a partner discusses relationship problems with others, the exclusivity of the relationship is restricted. This is why work colleagues so often become affairs because the slow rapprochement and growing mutual trust creates closeness between them.
Can I somehow prevent my partner from looking for closeness and exclusivity outside of our relationship?
Couples who concentrate on each other and maintain their relationship on a day-to-day basis have the best chance of preventing an affair. B. through: friendly communication, appreciation of the otherness of the partner, learning how to deal with insoluble conflicts and date nights! Anything that strengthens the bond between the partners minimizes the risk of cheating.
If it came to an affair and the partners decide afterwards to continue the relationship: What do both of them have to do for it?
As I said: One of the most important findings for couples after an affair is that the cause was almost always distance between the partners. Therefore, as difficult as it is for the person who has been betrayed, must signal that he is looking for closeness and can allow it. Otherwise reconciliation, forgiveness and a new beginning will not succeed. The cheated person, on the other hand, should urgently get into the habit of communicating their own needs openly and honestly to their partner and finding conflicts with him – instead of outside the relationship.
Is it possible (again) to trust someone who has once cheated?
At least there is no cheating gene. But if you generally put your own needs above those of your partner, as is the case with an affair, you will probably repeat this prioritization after the affair or in the next relationship. We should always give people a second chance – but at the same time keep in mind that old reasons for separation are usually also the new reasons …
Does that mean the chances are slim that an affair will turn into a happy relationship? After all, at least one of those involved has obviously been unfaithful at one point or another!
It is extremely rare for an affair to turn into a lasting, happy relationship. The American therapist Shelly Glass and the couple researcher John Gottman found: Only a fraction of affairs become a new relationship and 75 percent of all marriages that result from affairs are divorced. Optimistic prospects look different. But of course there are couples who are very unhappy in their relationships, find each other as an affair partner and later become happy with each other. Everything is possible in love – just not everything is equally likely.
If that is not a perfect final word … Thank you, dear Eric Hegmann, for the interesting interview!
As a therapist, Eric Hegmann offers couples support in the form of coaching, seminars and discussions, among other things, in dealing with an affair and learning to trust again afterwards. In addition, he has developed an online course on this main topic, with the help of which you can find out, for example, how high the risk of cheating is in your relationship. (Small spoiler: according to statistics, in every second relationship at least one of the partners will sooner or later have a sexual or emotional affair with a third person …)