Julia Peirano: My friends use me as a consultant, but nobody cares about me

Dear Ms Peirano,

I have a manageable circle of friends of 4 to 5 people, not a big clique, but these friendships have existed for years, some since kindergarten.

A few of these friends have moved away from our hometown for professional or personal reasons, so we can no longer see each other regularly and communication mostly takes place by phone or WhatsApp. This isn’t a problem in itself, but I increasingly have the feeling that most of my friends only turn to me when they have problems or worries.

To give you an example: My best friend, who lives two hours away from me, became increasingly estranged from me during the Corona period and hardly contacted me at all. At the beginning of last year, he broke up with his long-term girlfriend and asked me for help and support. This situation brought us back into closer contact. We spoke on the phone for hours every week. He came home more often and of course I made as much time as possible for him.

He seemed to be blossoming again, and his breakup was a relief for him. Then he started dating and he continued to get regular tips from me. Since this year, contact has become less frequent. He usually only contacts me when he has something to report, the conversations are dominated by him and he doesn’t show much interest or ask me questions.

Another friend has mental problems, and I always try to help her with them. But she often has phases in which she doesn’t contact me at all, and when we do have contact, it seems like it’s only about her. I have the impression that she shuts herself off again as soon as I allow myself to tell her something about myself. Maybe because she’s too busy with herself. But I’m finding it difficult to deal with it these days.

At the moment I feel drained by all the worries of my friends and taken advantage of by the lack of interest they show in me. I don’t even try to talk about things that bother me anymore because I assume that no one really cares anyway.

I often ask myself why these friendships have changed so much. Whether I myself have changed too much over time. It bothers me that I am otherwise very rarely contacted and usually have to take the initiative. I don’t feel like an important part of my friends’ lives, or only when they have worries. I am a person who needs harmony and these friendships are very important to me, but I find the situation difficult to deal with. Especially since the topics we talk about are increasingly predominantly negative.

What can I do to make a difference? I don’t want to offend anyone, so far I haven’t had the courage to talk about my feelings.

Best regards and thank you
Isabelle F.

Dear Isabelle F.,

I can understand that you feel taken advantage of. You invest a lot of time, patience and attention in the worries and problems of your friends, but no one cares about you and your well-being. Moreover, it sounds as if many of the contacts are not very nourishing because they are third-hand contacts, so to speak.

First hand means: You meet someone and do something together (e.g. go for a walk, do sports, dance).

Second hand means: You talk on the phone or make a video call, but the focus is on the shared relationship and an exchange that is good for both of you.

Third hand means: They are “only” voice messages or phone calls that are about your friends’ experiences with other people or their problems and you do not experience anything together that would foster your relationship.

It’s good that you’re taking a close look at it and feeling your dissatisfaction and disappointment with the situation. Perhaps there’s also sadness, loneliness or anger in the mix of feelings? In any case, give yourself time to perceive it all within yourself and give it space, for example by writing it down or sending yourself voice messages and expressing your outrage. Imagine that you have a really attentive friend who is also called Isabelle F. (namely you), and you tell her or write to her how you feel in your friendships.

This good friend, Isabelle F., also answers you, as a good friend should, and takes it very seriously that you are becoming increasingly powerless and disappointed because your own desire for contact and encounters is being neglected. This Isabelle F. understands you, feels for you, is annoyed with you and perhaps also gives you some advice on how you can change the situation. For example, by planning more “first-hand” contacts.

This technique is called “developing self-compassion” and is an essential part of therapy. We all need to feel that we love ourselves, the way a good parent or friend should love us. This includes taking an interest in ourselves, listening to ourselves, paying attention to and focusing on our own interests, and trying to help ourselves grow.

In my opinion, a beautiful book about love (not just romantic love, but love towards all people) is:

Bell Hooks: All about love. New perspectives.

Based on your voice memos and diary entries, I would write down what expectations you have of a friendship. How would you like to be treated? What expectations do you have of a very close friendship, and what expectations do you have of a more casual friendship?

For example: Friends should show each other interest, attention and appreciation. Friends should check in regularly (how often?) and ask how the other person is doing. They should listen with interest and try to support and help the other person to progress.

When you have finished the list, you could classify where you see your current acquaintances. Does the label “friendship” still fit what has been happening for years? Or would another label be more appropriate, e.g. “free 24-hour counseling service” or “social-educational support and crisis intervention”?

If you come to the conclusion that your contacts are not friendships as you imagine them to be, you could talk to the people in question and tell them what you actually want, expect or need and ask whether the other person is willing to be a friend to you. Of course, how someone acts is even more important than what they say. As we all know, you can talk a lot when the day is long.

Both your girlfriend with mental problems and your boyfriend with love problems show so-called Red Flags (Red warning flags) by not taking care to ensure that the relationship is balanced.

Nobody can force or make other people show interest and care. You can’t demand something like that, and it doesn’t feel good when I tell my girlfriend to listen to me and she only does it because I told her to.

I would recommend that you take a careful and honest look at how other people treat you and how it makes you feel. And then you can choose who you want to be friends with.

My cat acts like this: There are people who are either too blunt or direct for my cat’s refined taste, and other people who do not pay her enough attention. She avoids these people. But she loves some of my friends who establish good contact with her, speak to her in a friendly manner and only pet her when she “allows it”. When these friends visit, the cat seeks their company the whole time.

Do the same: Look at who likes you and is genuinely interested in you. Who cares about you (and your relationship) being happy? Who gives something back that you like?

It probably makes more sense to find new friends than to try to change people who have become accustomed to using you as a free helpline for a long time and have never thought about how you feel about it.

Maybe you will find new, more positive acquaintances through a shared hobby or a shared commitment to values ​​such as environmental protection, meditation, choir singing, etc. Here again “first-hand” contacts are in sight, which is of course much more satisfying than phone calls or voice messages.

I hope that you can stand up for yourself and your (legitimate) interests and find friends who will strengthen you and do you good.

Best regards
Julia Peirano

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