Karina has become closer to her colleague. Mira doesn’t want an exclusive bond – she also wants sex with others. Karina is jealous and doesn’t know if she should try it.
Dear Ms Peirano,
I (f, 32) have become closer to a work colleague (Mira) in the last few months and have fallen in love again after a long time. She tells me that she has fallen in love with her too and is very comfortable with me. But now comes the catch: she also told me that she’s not the type for an exclusive relationship and couldn’t or wouldn’t promise me anything.
I was surprised and also hurt because I couldn’t imagine having an open relationship until now. You hear very different things about it, and somehow I’m sceptical.
I’m also not free from jealousy and don’t know how I would deal with it if Mira still has sex with other women (or men). Even though she says it’s not about falling in love with someone else.
We discussed it for a long time, and in the end I half got involved. So far nothing has happened and I’m the only one. But somehow there remains an insecurity that I’m not enough for her or that she presupposes sexual problems between us from the outset. But she thinks that it’s going very well for her with the two of us in bed.
I have a hard time dealing with this. So I wanted to ask if you think we should try it or that I should retire right now.
Which, to be honest, would be very difficult for me, because Mira is a fascinating woman.
Many greetings,
Karina G
Dear Karina G,
I congratulate you on being so keenly aware of yourself and your conflicting thoughts and feelings. In such a situation, it is exactly the right thing to do, calmly and with some distance, to perceive what you are thinking and feeling in order to make the right decision for you.
At the moment, open relationships are very popular in many circles and are considered progressive. You love each other, but you also give each other freedom because you don’t want to restrict or restrict yourself. That’s the main argument. Many couples want to experiment right from the start, others are looking for an open relationship as a way of maintaining a sexually somewhat dormant relationship without dying of physical and erotic thirst. And the whole thing should happen with the consent of the other person, so that you can deal with sexual freedom as honestly and as grown up as possible and don’t have to lie to yourself. That’s the theory.
In some cases, open relationships are also successful, especially if both talk to each other really honestly and appreciatively and always balance with the other what is acceptable and beneficial for both of them.
In practice, however, it is often the case that one partner would like the relationship to be opened up more than the other. This means that the person who finds this more difficult then makes a bad compromise or has to bite the bullet in order not to lose the other(s).
I have often experienced that, despite all the agreements and promises made (oneself Not falling in love with others, staying honest, putting others first despite sexual freedom) are thrown overboard. That can be even worse than a secret affair…
How are you supposed to check that you’re not falling in love? How are you supposed to promise that you won’t meet someone you can imagine a relationship with? How are you supposed to keep a cool head in the fire of passion (and that’s what it’s all about) and stick to the agreements you made? Especially if alcohol is involved. And what about the third person: are they denied all needs for “more” relationships from the outset and is they only a sex partner for the moments when it suits the original couple? And if so, how might that feel? And what if the third person doesn’t agree and insists on changing the rules of the game?
Of course, even in an exclusive relationship, you cannot prevent someone from wanting or having sex with others, then lying or cheating and possibly breaking up the relationship as a result. That also happens often enough. The topic of monogamy is not easy, as many people have both the desire for a stable partnership and the need for adventures with changing sexual partners, which is difficult to reconcile. A difficult issue, which, by the way, cannot be solved satisfactorily in many partnerships.
The most important question, however, is whether both partners benefit equally from an open relationship. How about you, Karina? Do you also wish that you could have sex with other partners with Mira’s consent? Is this one of your secret fantasies that you just haven’t put into action yet? Or do you actually want a two-person relationship in which you try to develop a sexuality that is as fulfilling as possible and in which no third party should have anything to do with it?
What I’m getting at: Check for yourself whether you would mostly agree to an open relationship so that you don’t lose Mira, or whether you would benefit from it yourself.
The next question is the issue of fear of loss and jealousy. Be honest: How do you feel when you think about your partner coming home one day and telling you that she had exciting sex with someone else? Would that be painful and hurtful for you? I’ve also seen couples where one partner found it arousing when the other had sex with others – that would be an argument for an open relationship.
But at least it would have to be such that you wouldn’t mind if Mira had sex with others, otherwise injuries, arguments, power struggles and a loss of trust are inevitable.
See if you can imagine that the wise part of your personality (the inner guide) can confidently advise you to embark on the open relationship experiment and if you believe that you will grow from it (e.g. better letting go, free yourself from dependencies, be more on your own, try out your own sexual desire in a variety of ways). If you’re shaking your head now and think you can’t find a good reason for it, don’t do it.
I also find the question of why Mira categorically urges an open relationship at the beginning of a relationship interesting. Do you think there are also fears of getting involved with you and finding ways to a fulfilled partnership with you? Does a kind of escape motive also sound through: There is no one who can fulfill me alone anyway, so I don’t get involved with it from the start?
It would certainly be interesting and enlightening to ask again exactly what kind of experiences made Mira only want to have open relationships.
I am sure that you will then find a good answer for yourself!
Best regards,
Juliet Peirano