Heike has her life well under control, including house, hobbies and job. But most of the work and costs are left to her – because her boyfriend prefers to sit in front of her television. How can the two better share housework and finances?
Dear Dr. Peirano,
I’m looking for help because my boyfriend doesn’t support me. I have a small house with a garden, animal welfare rabbits, cats, horses (not at my home) which have been with me before him. We have been together for three years, have lived together for two years, have no children. I am 44 years old, he is 29 years old.
I do the whole household by myself, shop, cook, wash and have my hobby (horses and animal welfare rabbits) and a large garden. I spend a lot of time in the stable in the morning (I can lift it by myself) and take care of our home. I still have 30 hours at work. I rush around in the morning to get everything done by noon, then go to work from 1pm to 11pm.
My friend doesn’t do anything. He comes home at 5 p.m. and then sits in front of the television. If there’s anything heavy to carry, I have to ask him first, like carrying horse feed to the shed. He never does it on his own. He often says: “I’ll do it tomorrow”. Then he doesn’t do it. I now do almost everything myself because he doesn’t help me after all. I feel used and tired, I feel like I have to do everything on my own.
I have no problem with the classic gender role. I like to take care of everything, but taking tires to the basement, changing tires or repairing something, mowing the lawn or cutting hedges when something is broken, I don’t want to do it too.
He says he needs his rest on weekends because he works 50 hours a week. My house is paid off, he doesn’t pay rent. We share the additional costs (150 euros each) and he gives me 100 euros for groceries. I even supported him financially, borrowing 7,000 euros with the down payment on his new car, which he paid off with 150 euros. He doesn’t see at all how much I do for him and how much money he saves by living together. I feel sad and taken advantage of because he’s making such an easy living at my expense.
He is also not interested in his hobbies (shooting club) because he hardly finds time for them or can’t pull himself together, or prefers to watch TV on the sofa. He’s in a bad mood or doesn’t go to family gatherings at all, doesn’t even text my mother on her birthday or say thank you for Christmas presents.
His family has a family business (construction company) his mother is at home and cooks for the sons and the husband, he never had to help in the household. However, his mother is also at home and I have to work.
If I hold that against him, he says I should get rid of the animals so I would have more time (to clean up after him or to keep our house tidy??) I knew he worked a lot but I thought he’d give me sometimes helps in the garden. He just shrugs his shoulders at our wild growth and says it doesn’t bother him and that he doesn’t want to play caretaker.
We argue a lot and it’s always about the same thing. Then he reproaches me that he helped me remodel two years ago (for ten days) or built a terrace in May. Then when I say, yes, but that’s for us, he says “but it’s your house, if you kick me out I don’t get anything”.
I don’t think he realizes that if we really break up, he’s maneuvering himself into it.
I hope you have tips for me!
heike t
Dear Heike T,
Your description sounds like you have completely different ideas of how a relationship should be and how it should be lived practically in every detail.
It sounds like your partner is now acting more like a pubescent son – rather than a responsible partner by your side. Are there similar patterns in your life story in which you had to do more than your part (e.g. due to illness or the loss of a parent, a sick or disabled sibling…)? And can it be that you also have problems with your self-esteem and fear that you are not lovable enough if you sit back a little or say NO?
Of course, the fact that you do the tasks yourself makes it more and more convenient. But being angry and demanding all the time isn’t a good alternative either – you’re in a bind.
How was it between you two at the beginning of the relationship? Were there already problems with the idea of who would take on which tasks, who would bring in ideas, what would be done together, who would pay how much?
If there were no problems at the beginning: How did your partner behave, how did he get involved, what did you like?
And when was the turning point? When and how did it happen that your partner, as you write, only takes on as little as possible and you do almost everything financially and physically on your own? Has it been checked whether he might be depressed? His exhaustion, bad mood and listlessness are signs of this and should be clarified.
If your friend didn’t help properly from the start: What warning signals did you miss? When was the first moment when you should have said: up to here and no further! Either we settle it or we don’t?
Certainly you can think of certain situations in which you felt let down. Why did you still offer your partner to move in with you?
And even if it might sound bureaucratic and small-minded: why didn’t you come to an agreement at the latest when he moved in with you about who will do which tasks and how much each contributes to the cost of living? Talking about the rules is actually a good test of whether living together works. Because if someone has unfair or unrealistic ideas in theory about how much they contribute and how much the other person contributes, then it usually looks even more drastic in practice.
It is always good to discuss who will take on which areas before moving in together (For example: I: laundry, shopping, cooking during the week, tidying; you: gardening, repairs, cooking at the weekend. Everyone for themselves: accounting). Since everyone usually rates their own effort higher than that of others, it helps to keep a record of your own activities for a few weeks and then check again whether the distribution of tasks is fair.
Your partner’s justification for skipping work because he works so much then makes even less sense. Because he earns the money for himself and does not share it with you.
Then why do you have to lend him money if he works so much? It would be advisable that you enter into a private loan agreement with him detailing the amount borrowed, the repayment period and any interest. Otherwise you have nothing in hand if you want to ask for the money back. This can be difficult with someone who makes excuses and seems very self-serving.
And especially when one of the two partners owns the house/apartment and the other moves in with it, the question arises as to how much the latter has to pay. This is not so easy to clarify, since the owner naturally has an increase in the value of the property from a new kitchen/terrace, etc., but on the other hand the apartment is also more worn down by both. The argument “It’s your house, so you pay all costs” is just as difficult as “we both live here, so we share all renovation costs”. Everything needs to be discussed, and just as the perspectives of renters and landlords are very different, so can it be in a relationship where one owns the house they both live in.
Additional costs such as electricity, water, heating costs etc. should be shared, for the rest you can use the local rent as a guide. But it remains difficult and is certainly also an indicator of how a couple works as a team – or to what extent everyone is concerned about their own advantages.
The next question is why you think he should help you care for your animals. Was that agreed upon or can you say that the animals are more your private pleasure? How does your partner relate to animals? In my view, you could ask for his financial and operational involvement in the household chores, but it would be more of a favor for him to help you with the rabbits and horses.
You hear: It would take a lot of conversations to establish some common rules. And with them you should sit back and let your friend come up with suggestions without evaluating them. This will tell you what he really thinks and wants, and how much respect he has for you. If you pressure him into a rule, chances are he won’t obey you – he’s not doing that now.
Evaluate what he says and see if you can live with it. If there is no common basis for living together, I recommend that you go back into your life story (with the help of a therapist) and look at why you chose such a partner who is failing you.
Best regards,
Juliet Peirano