Burnout also affects the family of those affected. Christine’s husband can hardly bear to be in the same room with their daughter. How should she react to keep the family together?
Dear Dr. Peirano,
I’m about to say the same thing: my husband is already in therapy because of a burnout. However, his constant irritability and moodiness is not a recent phenomenon, it was always there and culminated in his burnout.
What is an additional burden for the family is that he is completely annoyed by our daughter (16). I have a feeling that her mere presence annoys him. She is a normal teenager, without any major quirks, helps more or less around the house, causes few problems, etc. Actually a dream!
She has a boyfriend, my husband gets along with him very well, but he is annoyed by his daily presence, especially in the evening… The solution would be to split it up, sometimes with us and sometimes with him, but that’s not possible because his parents live in divorce.
My husband only allows us to stay overnight in exceptional cases, but in return our daughter can always sleep with him (if she wants to).
My husband’s train of thought is illogical and so strange that I can’t keep up with it.
He insists on his right to peace and quiet, saying that not everything can go according to the children’s wishes. Then again he claims that family is the most important thing for him, but somehow he can’t live with family…
He reproaches me for always defending our daughter and in his anger he calls her “my brood” over which I put myself.
I really don’t know what to do anymore, it’s all completely pointless. So he drives her out of the house.
How can I get at him? If he were to look at his behavior from the outside, he would understand how confused his behavior and his statement are.
Best regards
Christine B
Dear Christine B
Your description sounds as if you and your husband have not been in emotional contact with each other for a long time and no longer pull together. That must be very distressing!
In my practice, I have often heard both sides of a burnout: those affected complain that even the slightest stress is too much for them and that they are sensitive to noise and quickly become irritated or overworked. In short, they don’t come to rest. You feel disturbed even by the fly on the wall. Your husband would probably tell me that too, if he were allowed to present his point of view.
And the relatives usually say that they do not recognize their partner. Former family people become selfish loners who would prefer to be alone and hostile to their families.
You will certainly find yourself and your husband in my description. The question is how such problems can be resolved – and of course how long it will take for the partner to be “normal” again. I’ve seen both: breakups due to burnout, long periods of suffering where both lived side by side, endured each other and created irreparable collateral damage, but I’ve also (sporadically) seen couples where the partner supports and endures the burnout phase and afterwards they both say: “It’s good that we didn’t give up.”
This is great suffering for everyone, and ultimately a difficult decision. How about finding like-minded people and joining a support group for the families of those with depression? Or if you are trying to be involved in your husband’s therapy and could you point out your view of the situation and your limits?
In many therapies it is now possible (and in my opinion very helpful) to involve relatives. For one thing, it sheds a different light on the overall situation when partners tell how stressed they are. On the other hand, you can work on the situation together. An alternative would be couples counseling for you and your husband, or family therapy, including the daughter, possibly with a systemic approach.
In any case, it would be important and timely that you tell your husband clearly but calmly at home that the situation is unbearable for you. It would also be helpful if you suggested that your daughter talk to her father and tell him how she feels. I assume that she sees herself as a disruptive factor and has the feeling that she has to dance on raw eggs. It is certainly also offensive that your husband prefers your daughter’s boyfriend, so to speak.
Basically, it would be positive if you conveyed the attitude to your husband: If we have problems, we talk. And if we can’t do it on our own, we’ll go to a professional together and discuss the problem there. That would also be a very good role model for your daughter. Better than belittling him, as your lines suggest. You’ve probably got a lot stuck in there.
In the discussions you could look for solutions so that everyone gets their rights. In our home, there was a year-long drama with my daughter because of my intense (and loud) piano playing. Once I understood how loud my piano was being heard throughout the house, the solution was simple: for the sake of family peace, I also bought an electric piano that can be played quietly or with headphones, and sometimes I’m considerate, sometimes my daughter lives with me playing the loud piano. Everything by arrangement. The mood is much better since we tackled the problem and made it clear: if there are problems, we talk. Everyone is heard and we are looking for a solution.
In any case, it is important that you support your daughter so that her self-esteem does not suffer because of her father’s behavior. Incidentally, I have often experienced that permanent damage is left behind when you have to adapt and still can’t do anything right.
I wish you every success in taking the bull by the horns.
Best regards
Juliet Peirano