J. Peirano: I’m about to have an affair – how can I save myself?

J. Peirano: The Secret Code of Love
I’m about to have an affair – how can I save myself?

Dear Julia Peirano,

I probably already suspect the answer. Because it would be the only logical and sensible act. But maybe there is another tip that can help me.

A few weeks ago I met a man while he was campaigning for his mayor’s candidacy. I had never seen him before. This man had started an initiative that would help my husband and me with the childcare of our big child (almost 7 years old). That made quite an impression, of course.

A few days later the “stranger” rang our doorbell to hand out an election flyer. We talked briefly about our families (he is married with children – like me). Then I went on vacation with my family. But in my mind I was constantly with the “stranger”. We had a great vacation and in principle I am totally happy with my family. However, a lot has changed due to our daughter (3 1/4 years old).

It has been very, very demanding on me since day one, so that intimate moments have become rare. Overall, on my part, the sexual attraction to my husband has decreased. He’s my best friend, we can talk about anything. He’s also an absolutely great father. We have been happily married for twelve years. But now my thoughts turn to the “stranger” in my head. This has never happened to me before! In the last few weeks I have written regularly to the “stranger” without my husband knowing.

A few days ago we met in secret and talked about our feelings. Even the “stranger” has feelings for me. But we definitely don’t want to lose or risk our families !!! Of course, one could be sensible and best to break off contact. But the feelings are so difficult to suppress. And yes, I should probably talk to my husband about it, but I don’t want to hurt him and possibly unsettle him unnecessarily. Because so far nothing “forbidden” has happened to the “stranger” apart from the one meeting. Everything only takes place in writing or in our heads. That is also a form of cheating, I know … But how can you control your emotions in this situation?

I hope you have some advice for me!

Lene T.

Dear Lene T.,

I would be very interested in what you would like to hear from me. To me it sounds as if you “actually” know from your common sense what would be right now, but hope that I can conjure a rabbit out of your hat so that you can both (secure marriage and keep the butterflies in the stomach with the other man).

You are not alone with this wish. Basically, many people long for a stable, intimate relationship and at the same time some love adventures on the side. And even if someone does not generally want to have several partners next to each other, there are certain situations in a relationship that make one receptive to an outside relationship. These include, among other things, a sexual lull, little group activities and discussions (for example, due to excessive demands with children or at work), a lack of recognition or injuries. You seem to be more concerned with the first two triggers.

And from the moment a partner is interested in someone else, the stories are similar: There are secret written exchanges, discreet meetings, thoughts revolve around the other, the imagination becomes active.

At this point I would like to offer you the book “Measuring love: trust and betrayal in couple relationships“by John Gottman and Nan Silver. It describes in detail how to extract energy from the original relationship by building walls in front of your partner to hide an outside relationship. And ultimately by moving that wall (which is no longer the couple.” protects, but hides the external relationship from the partner) initiated a dangerous process, which in most cases sooner or later leads to an affair.

That is probably exactly where you are now. I would advise you to speak openly to your husband. The topics that affect both of you are important: the waning of sexual desire, the reasons for it, ideas on how you can change something (for example, time off as a couple, dealing with sexuality and intimacy as a couple). Here, too, I can recommend a book to you: “Make more love“by Ann Marlene Henning. Even if your husband is not interested in the book, it can help you find out what your sexual needs are and why you no longer find him so attractive. It would be good to put energy and attention into it allow.

Only when the conversations with your husband show that you cannot find a common denominator sexually can you think together about opening up the relationship. That would be the fair solution. Here, too, a book tip: “Loyalty is not a solution either“by Holger Wendt and Lisa Fischbach.

If you disregard this order and first follow your feelings for the other man, it will most likely lead to the fact that you destroy trust in your man, hurt him deeply and also put a lot of strain on your children. In my experience, the damage afterwards is much greater than you imagine – and it often cannot be repaired. I hope these thoughts will help you on the right path.

Best regards

Julia Peirano

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