From “it was better before” to “it’s the base” … Our Internet users talk about consent

“It was better before”, and “there is nothing more we can do”, “I have a standard consent form filled out before each physical connection”, etc. Few Internet users responded to our call for testimonials on consent, yet more than 150 comments, often mocking, were written under it. Behind them, many men to believe the nicknames used. Readers who regret the “era of slows” and “good feelings”, arguing that the debate around consent is the “pathological obsession” of “low-level feminists” and that making sure of this would break “the atmosphere “.

Nothing worked, more than three years after #MeToo, #BalanceTonPorc or #SciencesPorc, it would therefore still be difficult to talk about consent, with our friends, our partners, our cousins ​​or our parents. Far from the “Consent is sexy” written on the t-shirts freshly launched by Charline Vermont, at the head of the “community” of the Instagram account
Orgasm and Me. Far from
Imaginaries of consent organized by
the association Sex and Consent which will be held at the Condorcet campus, in Paris, on September 27 and 28.

“No need to ask, the other one knows very well if he is consenting, and there is no need for words for that. I would even say that the pleasure would suffer from it, ”says Gigi1950.. When Gerald01 lets go: “Before making love to his wife, send her a registered letter with AR two days before in order to avoid prosecution!” “These comments show that in France we are still behind schedule, regrets Charline Vermont. We were the laughing stock of the world at the time of #Metoo with this column on the freedom to annoy which showed how much the culture of rape is still anchored in our Latin societies. Still, there is awareness and it takes time to reverse models when on TV, among other things, nothing deconstructs the myth of virility. “

“Your body, your choice”

In France, nearly 50% of rapes are committed in the marital context, recalls the sex therapy practitioner and Instagrammer who made consent the great cause of her year 2021, and “having a ring on your finger does not allow you to ‘sex’ with your wife without asking her if it tempts her”. Moreover, if that does not tempt her, Alice is quickly making it known today. “I realized, in light of #Metoo, that I had often allowed men to touch my shoulder, back or hips without wanting to and although it made me uncomfortable”, testifies the young woman of 28 years who confides to have also often “just wanted to please his partner”. “I did not necessarily want to have sex but I gave in so that one leaves me peace and today I still think about it, assures the florist contacted on Instagram. If I had simply been asked if I wanted I would have said “no” and I would be more comfortable today in my intercorporeal relationships. “

“Men tend to think that their wives owe them everything out of marital duty, but sex is far from being owed. Your body, your choice, ”asserts Maguy. And the one who was in a relationship for four years with a listening partner continued: “I find it important to talk about consent in all kinds of relationships. It is on these bases that I will raise my children, so that the children of others will feel safe with them. “

“Consent is the basis of fulfilling sexuality”

“There is no age to learn consent”, rebounds Charline Vermont, who comes out this Wednesday Body, love and sexuality, the first practical guide to sexuality education for 5-12 year olds and their parents “often lost on the issue”. The dynamic Charline has also joined the great Netflix family. From September 17, on the occasion of the release of season 3 of Sex Education, she will answer subscribers’ questions and will try again to show “just how sexy is to ask if you can caress, touch, kiss”.

“Of the 800 or so messages that I receive every day, 5% mention sexual violence that the old woman sometimes suffered during a Tinder date, loose Charline. Just to put an end to this violence, talking about consent is essential. Consent is the basis of fulfilling sexuality and it is even that of living together. “” Only those unsuited to the feeling of love, those who do not really respect women fear the new codes establishing our relationships and are not at ease, analyzes for his part our Internet user Baronneettronenbiais. For those who are no longer stuck on codes from another time, the notion of consent is more synonymous with freedom and opportunities. For them, everything goes perfectly on the sex side. Without blockages, taboos or fears. “

“Asking for consent does not break the mood”

It is on these aspects of respect for otherness and fulfilling sexuality that Ella Hamonic works. With Eleolore Nouelle, she has been at the head of Sex and Consent. The association’s goal was to educate about consent on campuses and in higher education. Faced with the scale of the task, the project has become a much larger challenge: “We have to move up a gear, from awareness to education. The culture of consent must be made explicit. “On the Condorcet campus or at Sciences Po Strasbourg, Ella leads training courses and uses theater, tango or” simple scripts “to make” consent a standard “; “No need for a contract, for a bailiff. Asking for consent does not break the mood. Because if we ask the question and the answer is “no”, it is because there was no atmosphere anyway. Ensuring explicit consent is ensuring that we will not commit the irreparable. “

“My friends and I don’t talk much about consent. However, I have some who told me that their friends were heavy, that they asked them to nude all the time and insulted them if they refused, explains Camille, a schoolgirl in Mulhouse. I think our teachers think they don’t need to explain it to us because it makes sense to them. Yet, in my opinion, it is as important as prevention of STIs and contraception. “” I only have sex with women and I have the impression that we all find it normal to ensure the consent of our partner. And it is obvious that checking it is not a favor, it is quite simply the basis, notes Cécile, 45, for her part. All these podcasts, these Insta accounts, in my opinion, were opening an open door. However, on a daily basis, there are 15,000 reactions which show that this debate is badly needed. “

On the occasion of Consent Imaginaries, Sexe et Consentemenrt will launch a petition demanding the inclusion of legal notices related to consent on the packaging of condoms, sex toys or any other products related to sexuality (dating site, etc. ). “So that consent and sexuality are naturally associated,” explains Ella Hamonic, “a bit like this famous“ eating and moving ”. “

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