Texting and sexting
Facebook psychiatrist reveals: How to decode the signals in online dating
Today, texts replace smiles, facial expressions and body language
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Most relationships today start online. Love at first sight has been replaced with flirting mini-lyrics. In order to separate the wheat from the chaff, you have to become a grammar detective, advises psychiatrist Dr. Mimi Winsberg.
dr Mimi Winsberg worked for Facebook as a psychiatrist. She’s been listening to Silicon Valley’s alpha and beta testers, disruptors and innovators, she writes in The London Times magazine. Big data has turned dating on its head, with Tinder processing 1.6 billion “swipes” every day worldwide. Winsberg not only advised the makers of online dating, she is single, so she is also a user of the well-known dating platforms.
How has flirting changed in a generation? According to Winsberg, there is no direct visual contact, instead text messages dominate. Everyone knows that, but what does it mean. “Texting forces us to rely solely on our written language (and of course our emojis). Word choice, semantics and grammar must convey more and more meaning as the cues we get through body language, eye contact and posture preserved, absent.”
The emotional cues of flirting and mutual groping migrate into tiny speech bubbles. It requires new skills to unpack and understand these compressed messages.
It is central to integrate the moment of “mirroring”, of confirmation, into the exchange of texts. “Mirroring is used to make one feel more confident, which breaks down defenses and reveals feelings. Mirroring is also considered a sign of attraction.” The brain experiences this moment as a reward, as a dopamine high. It follows that we are similar, so we must like each other. “When you mirror someone, they are more likely to engage in the conversation and you get to know more about the real you.” It is therefore important to let the other person know that their allusions and life experiences are understood. In real life, something like this happens with a smile or an approving look – all of this must now find its way into the lyrics. Winsberg generally advises adapting the length and tone of the messages to the content. “Airy suits airy, playful suits playful, short sentences suit short sentences.”
Detectives of Grammar
Winsberg believes that anyone who dates online needs to become a grammar detective. People who frequently use pronouns like “you”, “you” and “your” are more affable. Be careful with people who bombard you with negations like “no” and “never”. Who always emphasize differences in perception and prefer to talk about the future rather than the present. This indicates neither commitment nor reliability.
Even punctuation says something about personality, Big Data says. “Analysis of tweets has shown that question marks are a sign of extroversion. Presumably, extroverts are more interested in asking questions. Colons correlate with conscientiousness, perhaps because they are found in ordered lists. Commas, on the other hand, correlate with a lack of Conscientiousness.”
Emojis, on the other hand, are complicated. They once again condense the message, which is already compressed in the short texts, into a single ambiguous sign. “I’ve always thought of emojis as shortcuts in our self-expression.” But they also offer the chance to ask what the other person really means.
No flirting without dizziness
People have always lied when dating. The old adage that “men add an inch and women subtract 15 pounds” applies online, too. In face-to-face conversations, one can spot lies through body language, tone of voice, or evasive answers. Texts are harder to crack. A liar unconsciously tries to distance himself from his lies, so he avoids the “I”. Non-binding terms such as “maybe” or “certainly” would be interspersed on uncertain grounds. It’s an alarm signal when questions are avoided or answered with a counter-question. The classic: Unfortunately, statements like “to be honest”, “I won’t lie” and “I swear” often indicate the opposite.
deal breaker
The “deal breakers” are problematic. Everyone has them. The trick is not to overwhelm the other person with fears when you get to know them – because that would also be a “deal breaker”. It is best if you skilfully and playfully touch the difficult zones. And another point applies online as in “real life”: never appear too needy. Some people wanted to form a deep bond right away. “I refer to this instant intimacy as ‘instamacy,'” says Mimi Winsberg. Falling in love at the push of a button must make you suspicious, it may feel overwhelming, but a hasty relationship is rarely stable.
Sources: TheTimes; Speaking in Thumbs: A Psychiatrist Decodes Your Relationship Texts So You Don’t Have To